Page 3 of Honest With You

I stare at Katy and whisper, “It’s okay. I overreacted.”

“I’m sorry about your mom.”

I look up at him, surprised. I thought maybe he didn’t know about Mama.

“She was nice. I met her a bunch of times. I think I saw you too before. At Disneyworld? How come you’ve never come with your parents to visit?”

So, heisUncle Adam’s son. Daddy’s best friend from high school.

“I think I remember that trip, but just a little. I was a little kid then and uh-we don’t really get to go much when Mama and Daddy go somewhere.”

He smiles and points at himself, “I was eight. How old are you now?”

I rolled my eyes. I was almost eight then too.

“Almost thirteen.”

He laughs. “I’m thirteen.” Then he frowns. “How come you don’t go with them?”

I hated it when they left us and had fun by themselves. They would leave us with Yaya Ella, our nanny. Thinking about how sad I felt makes me angry all over again. I bury my face into Katy and hug her tighter.

Jesse’s quiet but only for a little while.

“You can cry if you want. I don’t know what I would do if it was my mom. It’s okay to be sad.”

“I’m not sad! I’m angry!” I sniff, tears streaming down my face again.

He nods silently as he picks the remote up again and goes back to looking at the titles.

“Want to watchNaruto?” He crawls across my bed until he’s next to me.

Even though I’m crying, a small smile breaks out and I nod. He chose my favorite anime.

He grins, seemingly satisfied with himself, “I saw it on your bookshelf and it’s one of my favorites.”

I give a half shrug pretending not to be impressed but on the inside I feel a little giddy about it. I don’t have any other friends who watch it and my siblings don’t either. Reese will usually watch until she gets bored then she makes me change it to one of her shows. Mama was the only one who would watch it with me without complaint.

I miss her so much. But the thought of watching Naruto with someone who actually likes it makes me feel less alone.

He watches me for a little while, and then pats his shoulder. He nudges me as the anime starts playing.

I don’t know how he knows it’s what I need right now but I rest my head on his shoulder. It makes me think of all the times I leaned on Mama when we curled up on the couch and read. But it’s different with him. His shoulder isn’t as soft as Mama’s but it’s comfortable. I can smell his shampoo more now and it smells like the cinnamon Mama sneaks into my hot chocolate when Reese isn’t looking. He’s warm. Mama always ran cold. It’s different… but it’s nice.

For the last week, I’ve been trying to be strong for Reese. Willing myself to act like it even when I didn’t feel it, just like Mama did when she wasn’t feeling well but we were around. If she could do that, then I could too. But I’m just a kid. Having to play mom when I don’t even have one? It’s hard. I’m only 12. I don’t know what I’m doing.

With my new friend Jesse, it feels safe to just be angry. It feels okay to cry.

The tears are rushing out and they are hot on my face. I squeeze my eyes shut when I feel myself shake again. My crying then turns into sobbing until it’s completely wracking my body and in the silence in my room, it’s all I can hear. But I can’t make myself stop.

Suddenly, something slides against my right hand. Then, there’s a feeling of warm fingers on mine.

Jesse is holding my hand.

It makes me cry harder because for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel so alone.

Five years later

Aknock outside my bedroom door breaks into the hazy memories of the day we said goodbye to Mama. I place a hand on my chest. My heart is racing, like it always does when flashes of my childhood take up residence in my mind. These days, I can barely remember Mama and it hurts to think there may come a time when I don’t remember her at all.

---