Page 64 of Glad You Exist

Without looking up, I could tell you exactly where he was.

Find him looking back at me.

I would register his joy before I heard his laughter.

Feel his presence before he came into my line of sight.

It was a superpower that I never knew I even possessed until the moment his lips touched mine. And I wanted to do it again.

It should have been awkward. Kissing my best friend. But somehow it felt like it was the most natural thing in the world to do.

Then when Kim accidentally let that slip—he has been in love with me? For six years?

I should feel weird about that too, but I don’t. Love is something I have always associated with Brad. Sure, I’ve never said it to him before, but I know I feel it.

He loves me. I love him. I know that much.

We’re best friends—of course we love each other.

Butinlove? How do I even know if I’m in love? How can he be so sure that he is?

He’s had girlfriends before. He’s kissed other girls and possibly done more than that, so how am I supposed to reconcile that with what he’s saying he has always felt about me?

How can I know that what he’s telling me is true and it’s not just something that was borne out of the guilt he feels about the last three years? How could I?

What if we try this, make it official, and we mess it up?

I’m so consumed with my thoughts that I don’t notice that Dan had already started his inquisition.

It’s not until he says, “Are you sure he didn’t…” that I realize I’ve missed everything he has said up to that point.

“Yes.He just hugged me, okay? Then Kyle and Brad were there literally within minutes. Nothing happened. I feel like they’re more shaken up than I am.”

I do my best to school my expression into a calm one no matter how much I wanted to cry right here, right now.

I wish Mom was here.

Dan must be feeling the same way because he glances at Mom’s picture on the side table beside me. He’s not equipped to help me deal with something like this. He’s feeling angry and protective. Mom would have understood what I needed. She would have known the right thing to say and do.

Dan musses up his hair in frustration, resting a shoulder on the wall facing me.

“You need to talk to Dr. T about this, Liz.”

I nod. I’ve started meeting with my therapist once a week again, usually via video chats.

Mostly so Dad and Dan can stop worrying about me. Not that it really helps. They still do. Dan still hovers. Dad still calls and checks in with Dr. T.

It’s not that I don’t feel anything about what happened. I did. I do.

Maybe it just hasn’t quite sunk in yet. A part of me still feels like it’s my fault for not saying I didn’t reciprocate his feelings. But honestly, I thought he was just a shameless flirt. I didn’t realize he actually wanted to be with me that way.

Before last night, Hunter had never been anything but nice to me, so when he did what he did, a small part of me felt like I deserved it. But Kyle’s right.

He didn’t have a right to touch me like that.

Unless I wanted him to.

Like with Brad. I don’t know what changed or how it did because when Brad did it, it felt right. It felt like he didn’t even need my permission to do it.

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