Page 18 of Glad You Exist

“Are you okay? What do you mean, a panic attack? Why?”

A soft laugh escapes Liz and she lets out a breath, leaning back on the loveseat.

“To answer your questions, I’m okay but I have anxiety. I was diagnosed in the ninth grade. And I am guessing the panic attack happened because I also have social anxiety. I don’t do well in crowds or at social events.” She picks at the hem of her dress again, which I am starting to recognize as one of the telltale signs she is growing anxious.

“There was just…a lot of people outside.”

“This happens even around people you know and grew up with?” Kyle asks her gently.

“Social anxiety in general doesn’t really discriminate between people I know or don’t. Even in this house I practically grew up in with people I’ve known my whole life. It is just this intense fear, and I have zero control over it.” She lets out a frustrated sigh. “Like a nasty stain I can’t get rid of. No matter how hard I try.”

Kim sets her bottle on the carpet as she moves to mimic Liz’s sitting position, leaning against the armrest. “Is that why you haven’t been to games or school dances or parties? I mean, not that I’ve noticed or anything.”

Liz’s head pops up at the sound of Kim’s voice and a hint of a smile appears on her lips.

“Basically, yes.”

Kyle leans over and pats Liz’s knee, “That explains a lot actually.”

“What do you mean?”

I nod in understanding. “I get what Kyle is saying. You got pretty distant—even with me— back then. It was confusing and yeah, I got a little defensive then because suddenly you weren’t up to going anywhere, not even coming over here. I mean I know I didn’t make it easy Lizzy, I really didn’t, so I take the blame for how I acted to make things worse. I should have asked why instead of blowing you off. I should have asked if you were okay or if something was going on.” I shrug. “I didn’t understand it back then, but I’m starting to now.”

Liz stares at me for what feels like a hot minute, her eyes shining as she lets my words wash over her.

Fuck, please don’t cry.

I almost say it out loud and have to tamp down the urge not to continue with the words that are sitting at the tip of my tongue.

I had feelings for you back then, and I felt rejected every time I asked you to go somewhere, and you said no.Maybe I should have gone with that? Though knowing what I know now, I’m sure it wouldn’t have made a difference. She was going through a lot then and any confession of mine would have just made things worse for her. Now, looking at this girl I once knew, I’m hit with the realization that she isn’t the same person she was back then.

And I don’t know what to do with that information.

I can’t take back the years we lost or those few months when we let our misunderstandings and miscommunications cause a divide between us. I never told her how I felt and frankly, I’m starting to realize that I never took the time to really get over her. Because the more time I spend with her, the more blurred those lines are getting.

Again.

Both our friendship and the fact that I love this girl is still hanging over my head but even that is still very much complicated.

Right now, I don’t even knowwhatwe are.

Are we best friends again? Friends? Acquaintances? Classmates? What are we?

After a few more moments of just the two of us staring at each other, I hear Kyle clearing his throat. Both our heads turn in unison towards them. Kim is staring down at her lap, her fingers clasped. She appears to be deep in thought.

Kyle shoots me a look that pretty much says,Get it together Bradley.

I give him a small nod, letting him know I get the message loud and clear. He returns the nod before placing a hand on top of Kim’s bringing her attention to him. Something unspoken passes between them that makes Kim straighten up in her seat.

She sighs before turning her full gaze to us. “You weren’t wrong, Liz.”

There’s something in Kim’s eyes and the way Kyle is rubbing his thumb on Kim’s knuckles that has me on alert. I feel like a bomb is about to dropped on us.

Liz’s brows crumple in confusion. “You have to be more specific Kim.”

Kim lets out a long-suffering sigh and jerks her hands from Kyle’s to tunnel her fingers through her hair in frustration. “Iwasblowing you off. We both were.”

She nods at Kyle, taking a deep breath, and her words come tumbling out in an exhale. Fast and rushed. “Summer before freshman year, Kyle and I dated.”

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