Page 107 of Glad You Exist

In front of Dan and me.

A week before Mom’s birthday.

Now on top of that, I’m dealing with the pain and guilt of having hurt the most important person in my life and trying to rationalize his anger and the way he is acting.

Yes, I ignored him, but I didn’t do it purpose. I did it without thinking…but this…what he’s doing to me? It’s on purpose. There’s intent.

To what? To get back at me? To break up with me?

I just want to talk and figure this out.

I'm trying my best to be understanding but I’m starting to feel anger.

How he can he think that I could ever hurt him on purpose?

How could he not see he's doing exactly what he accused me of doing?

I draw in a shuddering breath, and I feel Kim's hands clasp around mine.

My heart feels like it’s been broken so many times this week. I appreciate their support, I really do, but the only person I want or need right now isn’t here.

I think back to Friday night and go over the handful of things I could have done instead of what I did. What I should have done was call him immediately. Or even text him. Let him know. Warn him that I was feeling myself teeter towards the edge and I needed to focus on staying busy so I wouldn’t lose myself to the anger and loneliness. So, I wouldn’t break down all the way again. That I couldn’t pretend I was okay when I wasn’t.

I should have set an alarm. Went on our date.

I should have told him as soon as I woke up what had happened the night before.

A lot of should haves.

Now I’m starting to feel like it’s too late to even fix this between us.

I shut him out. Now he’s shutting me out. I hurt him. He hurt me.

How are we going to move past this?

Are we even an “us” at this point?

"Lizzy?"

I look up and find Kyle hovering in front of me.

I know he's asking if I'm in that place again and I shake my head.

His jaw loosens as some of the tension rolls away, but he still looks worried.

“I’ll talk to him.”

I look away before he sees the resignation in my eyes. “Let him be.”

* * *

It’s Thursday now,five days since Brad walked away from me and in two days, it will be prom. I still haven’t spoken to him.

Two days ago, Kim and Kyle tried to assure me that everything was okay but after they left, I succumbed to the hurt. I let myself feel the anger.

I stopped trying to get ahold of him. This is different than the last time.

Three years ago, when I walked away, at least I had the decency to let them know my intentions beforehand. And now that he’s the one who walked away, I have allowed myself to chase after him because I know I hurt him. I know what I’ve done. I acknowledge that.

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