Page 94 of Glad You Exist

His accompanying chuckle manages to break into the fog of my rising anxiety.

“El, I’m not proposing. You can relax.”

The air gushes out of me and I realize I’ve been holding my breath the whole time.

I watch as he opens the box to reveal a rose gold infinity ring with round shaped white diamonds. My eyes fly to his and the tears that I’ve been fighting against come rushing out.

“It’s—it’s so beautiful.”

“It’s a promise ring. A promise that I’ll be yours for as long as you’ll have me. A promise that I’m yours for infinity.Someday, Iwillask you to marry me, but for now I promise you that I will love and protect you for infinity and forever. Just like when we were kids.”

For infinity and forever.

We uttered those words to each other as kids. Determined to be best friends forever.

Little did we know what would become of us. What we are now.

A sob breaks out of me, and I clutch at his chest. “I’m happy. I’m so happy.”

I try to reassure him, but the tears just keep gushing out of me. I bury my face on his chest and allow myself to feel everything that I’ve been suppressing up until this moment.

The warmth of his fingers touches mine as he gingerly slips the ring onto my left hand. Then he sits back and just holds me letting me know I’m free and safe to let myself go.

Liz’s birthday flies by in a blur.

Before I know it, were back in the living room that night following dinner.

Exhausted from the previous day, we all woke up late. After having a quick brunch, we spent the day outside, playing in the snow like we used to when we were kids. Venturing into Leavenworth to take in the sights then coming back here to play video games and trading stories from the last three years.

I suspect we aren’t quite ready to delve into our issues yet. Everything that we’ve shared up to this point has all been surface-level, but one of us was going to crack soon especially after Kyle busted out the vodka and beer. I can tell he’s itching to say something, with the way he clams up from time to time then cracks a stupid joke we all pretend to laugh at. The air is almost crackling with the intensity of it looming over us like a thundercloud.

An unspoken promise floats between the four of us that tonight is the night we finally talk about it. Talk about what really happened between the four of us that day.

Which is why I’m currently nursing this beer. I feel it coming.

I can’t be drunk for this. Kim talked Liz into taking shots and she’s had two already. She isn't drunk yet, but I’m responsible enough to at least be more sober than my girlfriend is.

Liz switches to water when Dan and Summer call, and she drags Kyle to the couch with her. She giggles at something Summer says but I don’t hear it. I’m distracted when the light catches on the ring on her finger. I consider myself a feminist. Equality for all. But damn, if I don't revel in the caveman-like feelings the sight of my ring on her elicits in me.

I smother a laugh, taking a sip of my beer. I recall the way her eyes almost bugged out of her head when I pulled the box out.

I don't want to tell her that I did in fact toy with the idea of buying her a diamond ring. Something I could give her that would hold the promise of everything I feel for her, but eventually even I had to admit it was too soon regardless of our history.

Now I’m glad I didn’t. Holding Liz last night while she lost herself, I worried that I may have pushed for too much. She's been holding tough for months. Not allowing herself to feel everything that has happened to her. The badandthe good.

So, I gave her the space to finally let go.

I meant what I said—I want to be her refuge. She doesn’t have to hide what she’s feeling with me. Even when it’s ugly, I want all of it. I reassured her of this last night.

When Liz finally calmed down, she rose to kiss me, like she wanted to lose herself in a different way, but I held off. Not because I didn’t want to because fuck did I ever. I think about being with her in that way constantly, but I knew last night wasn't the right time.

She was spent. Both emotionally and physically. So, I simply carried her to bed.

Told her to go to sleep and within minutes of stroking her hair, she did just that.

I woke up holding her still, in a tangle of arms and legs, this morning. And in that moment, I knew I had never been happier. I want more mornings like that, to have her be the first thing I wake up to. More nights when she is the last thing I see and hold.

I want to give her my strength, so she doesn’t have to be strong for everyone anymore. She can justbewhen she's with me. I wanteverythingwith her.

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