Page 68 of Glad You Exist

How he reacted when he first heard about Hunter.

How he held me after Mom died.

How he helped me say goodbye to her.

How he has taken care of me these last few months.

All the small gestures of love, all the things he did for me without asking for anything in return.

Not just lately but always. He has always given and never asked.

Three years ago, how crestfallen he was when I told him I didn’t want him in my life anymore. The heartbreak was written all over his face and I was so stuck in my own pain that I never saw his. Never acknowledged it for what it was. I claimed I knew him better than anyone else and I never once saw how much he truly loved and cared about me.

How much it hurt him when I cut him from my life without so much as a backwards glance.

My hands fly to my mouth as more memories play in my head, my heart pounding hard against my chest. I’m positive Dan can hear it too.

“Oh. My. God.”

“I’m happy for you, Liz.”

My hands drop in my lap.

“Wait—you’re not mad? No threats or veiled insults about his manhood?”

Dan looks away for a moment and when he looks back at me, there’s hesitation in his eyes.

“How do you feel about him?”

My brother looks at me like what he has to say next rests solely on how I feel about Brad, but I’m stuck trying to process everything.

The guilt causes my stomach to churn.

I place hands over my chest and stomach to try to ease the pressure I have building inside me. I feel like a complete fraud. Why do I deserve someone as selfless and patient as Brad?

I took for granted that he had always been there.

A constant. Even in the three years we were strangers, I knew in the back of my mind he was my safety net. There when I needed him. Regardless of the state of our friendship.

I don’t deserve him. He deserves someone better.

Can I allow myself to be that selfish again?

What if I mess it up and I end up losing him again? This time there will be no going back to the way we were.

If I let myself do this, we could alter our whole friendship into something fragile.

Something I could destroy.

As if he knows exactly what I am thinking, Dan reaches out and places a hand on both of mine. I hadn’t even realized I had curled them into fists, bunched in my lap.

“Lizzy. Stop it. Do not let the guilt and self-doubt you carry around with you keep you from this. I hate to see you turn your back on love and a happy future with Brad.”

“Future? You think we have a future?” I blink and have to smile at that, “Okay who are you and what have you done to my big brother?”

He shakes his head at my lame attempt at a joke.

“I’m serious Liz. I will deny I ever said this but”—Dan clasps his hands behind his neck, stealing another glance at Mom’s picture behind me—“I don’t believe in soulmates. I feel like geography and luck have more of a hand in helping choose your partner in life than fate or destiny do. It’s just shit they use to sell movies and books. That was until I watched my little sister get taken care of with such…”

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