Page 24 of Glad You Exist

I down the rest of the soda and toss the empty bottle into the recycling bin. I thump my chest as I let the fizz burn through me, mimicking the tide of emotions threatening to drown me.

“I couldn’t exactly go up to her and say hey, by the way, can we maybe try dating?”

Kim looks over at Kyle and sighs, “I guess we really all did have our own shit.”

Kyle snorts, “Deadass.”

“What about now?”

Kim really isn’t going to drop this until she squeezes every last drop of information from me.Figures.

I plop back down on the love seat and shake my head at her.

“I don’t know, Kim. This is the most time I’ve spent with Liz since we all spoke last, and I don’t even know if what I’m feeling right now is the same damned thing, I felt three years ago or if I’m just feeling whiplash from us all talking like this again.”

She sighs, “Fair enough. Do you want to know what I think?”

“I’m sure you’ll tell me anyways. So go on.”

She rolls her eyes so hard; I swear she probably saw stars back there.

“She’s different but still the same with you…and honestly, judging by the way you literally have this whole alpha male thing going on when she’s around, it seems like you’re already way past being confused. You’re so far gone. I’m shocked you haven’t been chasing after her this whole time. Like seriously, Brad, what are you thinking? We’re not even close anymore and I saw through you within minutes. You need to be honest with yourself before you can even begin to be honest with her. Look at you all wound up.”

I cringe thinking back on all the times I hovered over Liz today. All the times I just reached out to her instinctively and acted like the last three years hadn’t happened.

I have always been protective of Liz, but something felt different today. I was feeling desperation and fear. And utterhappiness. Something I haven’t really felt in a while.

Clearly it was always there, beneath the surface just biding its time. Maybe it was that through all the years, my feelings for her remained dormant. Then comes this sudden change in our dynamic and now it’s pushing to the brim, threatening to spill over like lava.

I need to get a grip and admit it, even if it is just to myself, that nothing has changed.

I feel exactly the same way for her as I did before.

I love her.

As I always have. I just got good at hiding it. Deflecting it. Ignoring the ache, I felt every day that I wasn’t in her life anymore. Dating around to try and forget her. Throwing myself into my dream. Trying to stay busy at school to avoid reaching out to her like I desperately wanted to. Looking away when I saw her in school, pretending she didn’t even exist when everywhere was a memory of her. With her.

Even up in my bedroom, I still have pictures of her displayed on my dresser. Ones I should have gotten rid of a long time ago but never could bring myself to remove.

“You still have pictures of Liz up in your bedroom?”

Fuck.I must have said that last part out loud.

* * *

“Hello?”Liz sounds surprised as she answers.

“Hey, it’s me Kim.” I roll my eyes at her. Kim rolls hers right back. The last few days have sucked. Liz hasn’t been to school, and I wondered if Liz might be avoiding us. I think I fucked up by pushing too hard last weekend. I’ve spent the last few days stewing, pissed at myself.

I don’t feel comfortable enough in our friendship to text her and ask her if everything is okay, but evidently Kim does.

I have to quell the urge to smile, Kim came rushing into the student council office a few minutes ago. She demanded to know if I had checked on Liz.

When I said no, she took her phone out and called Liz.

Andshe put it on speakerphone.

“Yeah. I know.” Liz’s soft chuckle breaks into our eye rolling. Kim covers her mouth to suppress a laugh at the grin that breaks out of my face when I hear her laughter. Doesn’t stop her from pointing at it though.

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