Page 128 of Never Quiet

Taking her friend’s hands while they sat on the couch together, Amanda asked, “How are you really, Callileah?”

“Honestly? I’m so angry. I worry that my dads are hurting, uncertain of their roles in my life. I don’t want that. They raised me. Every sickness, every surgery, every tear, it was my dads who took care of me and did all the hard work. I feel like these two strangers who did everything wrong suddenly feel the need to be a presence in my life.”

“That’s my fault…”

“No, Amanda. Every choice they made was fucked when it came to each other and me. You didn’t do that. You aired it out and I’m glad. I hate when people hide shit from me.” She closed her eyes. “I’m just like her and I hate that, too. Not in looks but in personality, interests. I feel like they don’t belong to me anymore.” Gesturing at her body, she added, “Clearly, I’m shaped more like Brie than Izzy.”

“I-it was seeing Brie that made me wonder. I know there’s a lot to take in. What can I do?”

“Girl, damn. You’re doing it.” Squeezing her hands, Callie asked, “Is it getting better?”

“Some days. Others, I feel like I don’t exist as me anymore. I miss him, his friendship, everything. I’m surrounded by family and friends I deeply love and yet, I feel alone now. I-I don’t know how to shake it, how to get back to myself. I know I can, I will, I’m just…waiting.”

Reaching out, Callileah cupped her cheek. “You’re waiting to see if they make it work.”

Nodding, crying, Amanda whispered, “There’s a terrible part of me that hopes it doesn’t.”

Inhaling carefully, tears slipped from the corners of Callie’s eyes. “Amanda. I-I came here because I couldn’t look at them. It’s happening, the way you thought it would, and I hate them for it. I hate them for being so fucked up and leaving chaos behind them, and still getting their happy ending.”

“Don’t hate them, Callie. Don’t. They have more than twenty years of painful history and they share a child. It was meant to go that way. I know you’re angry but they’ll be better together. A better match than h-he was with…”

Putting her hands over her face, Amanda sobbed as the final shred of hope she hadn’t realized she was holding onto fell away. The door closed to something a big part of her was still counting on.

That maybe, just maybe, she’d be able to keep Hayden’s love.

“I’m sorry, Amanda. I’m so sorry…”

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