Page 121 of Never Quiet

She just let her No-No hold her.

* * *

Numbly, she made a few calls and laid down on her couch. Hours later, she was sleeping deeply when Hayden woke her with light kisses over her face.

Blinking at the bright light of the setting sun behind him, she whispered his name. “I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to talk. Just be with me and let me love you, Hayden.”

He carried her to her bedroom and she held him as hard as she could. She worshipped every inch of his body and he did the same to her. Throughout the night, she touched him, satiated herself, and invited him to take his fill of her in return.

As the rising sun lightened the room, she stared into his eyes. Laying on their sides facing one another, she stroked her fingertips through his hair and pressed the memory deep into her mind so she never forgot how he looked, smelled, and made her feel.

“Amanda?”

“Yes, Hayden?”

“I won’t leave.”

“You don’t have all the information, you beautiful man.” She rubbed her thumb along his lower lip. “Your heart is perfect, Hayden. Pure and bright. You’ve taken all your pain and poured it into saving people. Mostly defenseless women and children. It was Davis who first told me you were more than a computer genius. He was fifteen when he shared what happened to him.”

“You have a soul that speaks to the wounded, Amanda.”

“I-I’m glad. Every day, you seek to better the world around you by any means necessary.” She placed her palm over his heart. “Yet, year after year, you’ve left yourself empty and unfulfilled.”

“Not this past year. I’ve had everything I ever wanted.”

“Not everything, Hayden.” In a whisper, she confessed, “I stole an extra six months that didn’t belong to me. It was selfish, possibly bordering on cruel, but I very much wanted your love as long as I could have it.”

“It’s yours, Amanda. You steal nothing.”

Leaning forward, she kissed him, held him, breathed him in. He hugged her hard in return.

At his ear, she said, “Let’s shower and get dressed. Talking to you like this…I’ll never find the courage.”

“You’re the bravest person I know, Amanda.”

“Not in this. In this, I want to curl up, hide, and pretend.” Leaving a kiss on his cheek, she pulled from his arms and walked naked into her bathroom.

When she left the toilet closet, she stepped under the multiple jets and let the water beat on her back. Resting her forehead on her crossed arms, she worked to control her breathing.

The longer she waited, the harder it would be to let him go.

Hayden entered the shower behind her and stroked his palms up her sides and around to her breasts. Resting his face on her raised bicep, he whispered, “Don’t tell me. It’s okay, Amanda. Don’t tell me.”

She stared at him and the temptation to do just that was physically painful. Her heart pounded in her chest.

Let it go, leave it alone.

He can belong to you.

You can belong to him.

You’re perfect together.

“I don’t know if you’ll ever understand how hard it is for me to say I can’t do that, Hayden. To keep it from you, when I know how it would heal so many places inside you, just to keep you for myself…that isn’t love.” He lifted his head and she turned to face him. “I do love you. Loving you means doing something that hurts but knowing that by doing it,” she rested her hand over his heart, “so many circles will close for you. You’ll find peace and of anyone on this earth, you deserve peace.”

She kissed him for a long time and then washed his hair, his body, before washing her own. Stepping from the shower, she dried him carefully and raked her fingers through his damp hair. One more kiss and she led him from the bathroom.

Hayden started to pull her back to the bed and Amanda resisted. “There’s nothing I want more but…we can’t.”

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