Page 104 of Never Quiet

Then there was the fact that it was late October and she hadn’t spoken to him since the end of June. Not a text, a call, an update on his research. Nothing. If she had to sum up her feelings for her first lover in one word, it would be numb.

Amanda’s mind turned over several things in rapid succession. Since the first time she met Hayden, she loved his mind, his way of moving, talking, thinking.

Erick was her first love but Hayden was her first crush. Part of her wondered if she’d have fallen so hard for Erick without meeting an older version of him in Hayden first.

The older she got, the more she enjoyed their interactions. Long before everything happened around her birthday, she had a substantial history with Hayden and a solid friendship.

He’d shared so much with her. The pain he’d endured was heart-wrenching and leaving it unresolved made it an open wound that never stopped bleeding.

Amanda wanted to help him, heal him, even if she didn’t get to keep him. She was fully aware she wouldn’t get to keep him and she accepted it. Caring for a person often meant giving them something that was better for them than it was for you.

Their time together would always belong to her.

Sighing as she washed a body that was boneless and a little sore, she smiled.

She was pretty sure Hayden fucked like a porn star.

* * *

Three days later, Amanda was doing isolations in front of the spectacular Manhattan view in her living room when Ash let Hayden into the apartment wearing tactical gear.

Dropping from her handstand, she asked, “Hayden, are you…?” He dropped his mouth over hers, held her too hard, and she could feel how his body shook.

Breaking their kiss, she hugged him as tight as she could and whispered at his ear, “It’s alright. Take what you need.”

He picked her up and carried her into her bedroom, kicking the door closed behind them. He stripped her, then himself, leaving several weapons on her dresser, and drove her to the bed with his body covering her in a way that truly was like an animal protecting its’ mate.

“It’s alright. Lay here and feel us breathing. I can feel your heart racing, your muscles clenched painfully tight. Let’s breathe together, Hayden.” She massaged up and down his back, took slow, deep breaths, and murmured to him. “You’re a good and beautiful man. I missed you while you were off grid. Take your time, process, and breathe.”

It took half an hour, maybe more, before he loosened his hold and exhaled roughly. Lifting his head, he smoothed his fingers through her bun that hadn’t survived. Taking out the tie that held it, he lifted her head and carefully spread out the strands above her.

She watched his face as he touched her and heard the low, almost inaudible, sound of pain that escaped him.

Working her hands between them, she held his face and planted gentle kisses over his skin. Smoothing her thumbs along his brows, under his eyes, and over his lips, the tension slowly left him and she smiled.

“There you are.”

Lifting, she kissed Hayden slow and easy. He fell into the kiss, returning it with such focus that it stole her breath. When she laid her head against the mattress again, she continued to stroke him, whisper to him. He relaxed against her and she wrapped one leg around his hip.

“I can’t…I don’t.” He closed his eyes. “Amanda.”

“Hayden?” He opened them and stared at her. “Take me now, explain to me later. It can wait. Take what you want, what you need, first.”

Getting a condom from her stash in the nightstand, he rolled it on. His arm slid under her shoulders to hold her tight.

“Please, Amanda…”

“Ssh. I want you desperately, Hayden.” He positioned himself and pushed deep in the first thrust, she arched from the bed with a sigh. “More. Don’t stop.”

She thought he’d take her hard, with the aggression that seized him sometimes. He didn’t. He took her in slow motion, staring into her eyes, barely blinking.

By the tenth stroke, she was panting.

“I don’t know which is better, pulling back but knowing I’m about to bury myself inside you again…or knowing I’m about to pull back but I’m as deep as I can get. With you, the anticipation of pleasure is almost as good as the pleasure. Being able to touch you, take you, while you stare at me as if I’m a whole man.”

She held his face. “Never, ever doubt that you are, Hayden. If you don’t believe it, I’ll keep explaining it until you do.”

“I don’t want to go to the estate gala.”

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