Page 102 of Pretense

But she was still angry with him.

Or was she?

She did not know anymore. That gunshot, the sight of him falling…it had torn through her as surely as the bullet had him.

He had been a spy. He had toyed with her affections and hurt her deeply all those years ago by faking Elidyr’s death. He had come up with this assassination plot in the first place.

Yet he had told her the truth when he could have let the secret remain dead with Elidyr. He had thrown himself between a bullet and her brother, saving Weylind’s life.

His gaze swung to the ceiling, giving a sigh. “You have always been my weakness, you know. When I attempted to contact Melantha in Kostaria, I did it for you, even though it went against all sense to try to contact her instead of observing from a distance. But I knew you would be worried about her, even if you were still angry with her.”

And he had gotten captured doing it. Jalissa had been there, when Rharreth had dragged Edmund across the border and thrown him at King Averett’s feet like a piece of trash he had found littering his palace floor.

Jalissa stared at her hands in her lap, not sure what to say to that.

But Edmund went on in that sleepy tone even without a response from her. The healing magic must be making him more relaxed, more ready to talk than normal.

“I didn’t even contact Essie after she married Farrendel, even though I was here. I barely got back to Escarland before all of you arrived.” He was still staring at the ceiling, his eyelids drooping even lower. “With my sister, I stuck to my training. But for you, I threw it all away.”

That should not warm her as much as it did. As if she found it endearing.

“I broke all the rules by falling for someone I was spying on. A princess of the elves confiding her heart to me and, instead of using you to get to your brothers, I broke it off. I couldn’t let you be hurt any more than you already were. If I were discovered to be a spy, you would have been caught up in the middle of it. I had risked your reputation, your future. I couldn’t keep doing it. That’s why I left. That’s why I faked my death so you wouldn’t search for me and make yourself appear the fool before your court. It was all I could think to do to protect you.”

Jalissa studied his profile, even as his words dug deep inside her chest.

She had blamed him, but he was not the only one at fault for their clandestine romance. She had been the one to keep seeking him out. She had bared her heart to him without his ever asking probing questions. And yet, even though she had foolishly met him alone at night again and again, he had never taken advantage of her, not even for information about her brothers. He had not so much as kissed her, showing far more wisdom than she had even though she had been older than him at that point.

If he had gained any information about the war effort, Weylind, or Farrendel, it had been because she had blurted it out to him before he had even asked for it.

When he had faked Elidyr’s death, he had saved Jalissa from herself. That experience had made her grow up. Become a little wiser.

Yes, she wished there had been a way for him to handle it better. But he had been right. He could not have told her the truth that he was a spy without jeopardizing his kingdom or risking a war. Back then, he had been about the same age as Farrendel was now. Or, at least, equivalent to the age Farrendel had been when he married Essie before the heart bond caused him to age faster.

“I had to spend months re-establishing a new cover in a location that was not as well-placed as Ellonahshinel. I wrecked Escarland’s spying activities in Tarenhiel for months because of you.” Edmund tilted his head toward her again, a hint of a smile back on his face. “If I had still been spying in Ellonahshinel, I wouldn’t have been late returning to report to Averett. He might not have agreed to the marriage between Essie and Farrendel. I was rather angry about that, you know. I would have gladly sacrificed myself to a marriage of alliance, knowing I would get to marry you.”

Jalissa’s breath caught, her mind whirling. What would have happened, if she had been the sibling Weylind had agreed to marry off instead of Farrendel? She would have found herself married to Edmund for the past year.

Even as her heart beat harder, she knew she and Edmund never could have done what Elspetha and Farrendel did. It had taken two people as forgiving as Elspetha and Farrendel to forge their love and bring their two peoples together.

But back then, Jalissa and Edmund had too many secrets between them. He would have eventually confessed, and she would have harbored anger and bitterness toward him, as she did now. The two of them would have destroyed the alliance, instead of building it the way Farrendel and Elspetha had.

His eyes sank all the way closed, as if talking had exhausted him. Still, he kept talking, as if determined to spill his thoughts before she cast him out of her life forever. “I wanted to fix what I had broken. That’s why I asked for the fake relationship. We ended things badly twice. I thought if I could end things in a good way, for once, then maybe you would be all right. A foolish hope, it turns out. All I managed to do was hurt you even worse. I am so sorry.”

“Edmund…” His name squeaked from her aching throat.

His eyes flicked open briefly as he glanced at her, reaching his hand out to her again as if he wanted to touch her but stopping short. “Even if it hasn’t worked out between us, I’m glad I know you, Jalissa. I will treasure what we had, wherever we go from here.”

He let her go with such a lack of bitterness that it jarred something inside her.

She did not even recognize or like herself anymore. She had been nursing bitterness for so long. First against Melantha, then Edmund. Almost without her realizing it, she had turned into everything she had despised about Melantha. Withdrawn. Bitter. Consumed with herself and with her own problems.

Could she forgive him? Forgive Melantha? Would that finally banish the pain that had squeezed her heart for the past several months?

Slowly, she reached out and took his hand. It remained limp in her grip, his chest rising and falling with his steady breaths. He had fallen back asleep. Rest was what his body needed, so she should not feel so disappointed.

Jalissa lifted their clasped hands and leaned her cheek against their fingers. She was tired of being bitter and alone behind her calm mask. Perhaps it was finally time to forgive and start healing.

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