Page 84 of Pretense

Prince Edmund of Escarland never wore green. How had she never noticed that? He always wore black or blue-gray tones. But never green.

Elidyr only wore green. Not remarkable, especially for a servant at Ellonahshinel.

Elidyr, with his eyes shyly downcast. A servant facing his princess.

Edmund, with his eyes to the floor. A spy hiding his recognizable features from his mark.

Elidyr. A quiet elf servant who never raised his voice and rarely showed his wit.

Edmund. A boisterous human prince who laughed and talked loudly.

They were two such different people that Jalissa had never—would never—have realized they were the same person underneath the masks.

No wonder she and Edmund had seemed to share this instant connection. She had wondered how he could know her so well after only a few weeks. But it had not been mere weeks, had it? No, they had shared their hearts over those seven stolen months. While he had grown up and changed in the past few years, she was still essentially the same age and the same person.

She had to let go of the chair with one hand to wrap her arm around her churning middle. “Were you just using me the whole time? Did you make me…” She could not bring herself to say love. “Make me care for you as a way to get close to my family?”

She had thought she could take whatever he told her about his past as a spy. She told herself that she understood. Their kingdoms had been on the brink of war.

But she could not understand this. This was far too personal. Too real. Too painful.

“No.” Even in the elvish, some of Edmund’s normal voice cracked through his Elidyr mask. “I never used you. Not like that. It was an accident that I met you that day in the library. I was looking through the records stored there, gathering information. Honestly, I was terrified that you would see through my disguise. And maybe I did not leave when you kept seeking me out, thinking that you would be a good asset. But it did not stay that way. Our friendship was real.”

“Not that real.” Jalissa’s shaking was subsiding as the churning shock moved into something hotter burning inside her chest. “You were lying to me the entire time. You were not even you. How could you pretend such sympathy for my worries for my brothers while you were plotting the best way to assassinate them?”

“Jalissa, I—”

“Do not try to justify yourself!” Jalissa snapped her head up and glared.

It was as if she could see Edmund, truly see him, for the first time. Those shoulders that were now too broad to be the Elidyr she remembered. The muddy-colored eyes that were as changeable as he was. The man who could put on and take off personalities the way most people changed outfits.

Could she ever know the real Edmund? Did he even know his real self at this point? Did his family?

She pushed away from the chair and stalked toward him. “You pretended to be my friend. You let me care for you, all while spying on my family and my kingdom. To think that I nearly kissed you.” She shoved his chest, and it felt so good that she shoved him a second time for good measure, even if he only swayed a tiny step back. “And then you let me think you had died. And a part of me died that day. And I could not even share my grief since I had told no one about you.”

“I never told anyone about you either.” His words were nearly a whisper in a tone that was neither Edmund nor Elidyr but was somehow both.

She blinked up at him, the heat in her chest momentarily subsiding.

Edmund held her gaze, still not reaching for her. “I never told anyone about you. Not even Averett or my superiors at the Intelligence Office. Even though friendship with you would have been considered a great coup for a spy, I did not want to be ordered to use you to gain information. I could not do that to you. And then, when I realized I had let things go too far, I faked Elidyr’s death to ensure that I would never be asked to use you against your family. I went back to spying, but I got a position with one of Weylind’s advisors so I could get the same information without getting close to you again.”

She refused to be swayed by such pretty logic. He had still destroyed her when she had thought he had died, and now the truth of who and what he had really been shattered her all over again.

Jalissa crossed her arms. “A few eloquent explanations do not make it better.”

His eyes focused on her with such depth that it twisted something inside her. He did not reach for her, even as she stood this close. “I know. I handled things badly, especially back then. I was only nineteen, after all. But that is not an excuse for all the lies. I am sorry.”

“No. Do not apologize.” Jalissa pounded her fist into his chest this time. She was pain and fire and a flood of tears just begging to be released on a scream. “You have done too much for apologies.”

Melantha had been just like that. After everything she had done to their family, she came back with profuse apologies, as if a few words could smooth over such deep damage. Jalissa had not been taken in by her, and she would not relent to Edmund now.

She spun away from him, marching toward the door. “You are disguised now. We should leave if we wish to board the next train.”

Without waiting for his response, she left the little cabin before he could see her tears.

* * *

On the train, she and Sarya chose seats far in the back while Edmund sat in the front of the car. Compared to the dirty, smoky Escarlish train, the Tarenhieli train was a sanctuary. All clean and bright silver, with comfortable cushions on the benches and fellow passengers that remained quiet and subdued.

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