Page 2 of Pretense

He released a long sigh that brushed against her hair. “It just confirms what I always suspected. If I had shared a mother as well as a father with my siblings, then I would have had dark hair, dark eyes, and either healing or plant magic. I am me only because I am illegitimate. While magical inheritance is not as straightforward or logical as human magicians attempt to make it, it means I could not have inherited healing or growing magic from either of my parents. And thus, whatever magic our children have, they will not have either healing or growing magic.”

“We already suspected that they would most likely inherit your powerful magic.” Essie rested a hand on his cheek. As Farrendel had explained in a previous ramble, magic was dominant over no magic. Their children would inherit magic, even though Essie had none of her own. “Your magic is nothing to be ashamed of. I’ll be proud to see our children inherit it.”

Farrendel’s mouth pressed into a thin line as he reached for a stack of paperwork held together in a dark paper file folder. He rested it on top of the book on Essie’s lap, though he didn’t open the file. “It also means there is a possibility they might not inherit my magic as I have it. Your lack of magic might bring out whatever rare magic I inherited from my mother. Or the combination might present as a unique form of magic. No matter how much I research, there is no scientific way to know for sure.”

“Surprises aren’t something to be feared.” Essie shook her head, gently tipping his face so that he was looking at her. “We will celebrate whatever magic our children have, and they will be taught not to fear it but to love it.”

“I know.” Farrendel’s arm tightened around her waist while he took her hand in his. “And I know I should not worry. I just…”

“You just want to prepare. It gives you a sense of control.” Essie squeezed his fingers. With his anxiety, surprises were difficult for Farrendel. And children were the ultimate, uncontrollable surprises. They could not predict what hair color their child would have or what magic he or she would inherit. Not that they were even expecting at this point. But Farrendel’s need to be ultra-prepared for everything drove him to research the magical possibilities.

“Yes.” He released her hand to fan the pages of the file resting on her lap. “Weylind finally relented and gave me this.”

Farrendel’s tone was so serious that Essie’s stomach dropped. “What is it?”

“All the information my father gathered about my mother.” Farrendel reached for another file and added it to the stack on Essie’s lap. This file was only marginally thinner than the other one. “And this is everything that your Escarlish Intelligence Office had on my mother.”

Essie raised her eyebrows. She hadn’t realized Farrendel’s mother had garnered such interest from Escarland. Then again, it would only make sense the Intelligence Office would want to learn everything they could about Farrendel, the elves’ greatest warrior, including the secrets surrounding his mother.

Not to mention, Farrendel’s mother had been killed while trying to blackmail an Escarlish lord who lived just across the border. That would also bring her to the attention of the Escarlish Intelligence Office, fledgling as it had been a hundred years ago.

“My counselor thought we should talk about her in our next session. If I am ready.” Farrendel still stared at the two files, his fingers trailing over the edges. “I have not dared to open the files yet. Would you read them?”

There was such pain in his voice. Such fear. This was a part of his past he was still trying to process, though his counselors were encouraging him in that. “Are you sure?”

He gave a small nod, though he didn’t look sure.

“Maybe we can read the files together. When you’re ready.” She kissed his cheek and held him close again. His illegitimate birth was at the heart of who he had become. It was the beginning of his pain and trauma, even if the trolls had caused more later. And it was the source of the tension in his family that was still slowly healing.

“I am not sure I will ever be ready.” He buried his face against the crook of her neck and shoulder. His muscles stiffened as he held her. “I know I am supposed to hate her, but—”

Essie pulled away from him as much as she could while sitting on his lap. She cradled his face, searching his eyes. “No. You don’t have to hate her. What makes you think that?”

Even though she held his face, his gaze dropped from hers. “My family…”

“Your family is still wrapped up in their own hurt over everything that happened.” Essie traced a thumb over the scar on Farrendel’s cheek. The one he’d gotten when he was a mere fifteen years old and he’d been bullied for being illegitimate. “It’s easier for them to blame your mother than your father.”

His gaze didn’t lift to hers, but he did place one of his hands over hers on his cheek, leaning into her touch. “My father never blamed her.” A wrinkle creased his forehead, as if he was remembering a day long ago. “We rarely talked about her, but I overheard him talking with Weylind once. Dacha said the blame was his. That he was the one who had known better. And that he wished he could have saved her.”

“I wish he could have, for your sake.” Essie let one of her hands fall to his chest, wrapping her fingers in the warmth of his tunic.

Farrendel’s sigh was warm against her wrist. “I do not think even the elf king could have saved her. He gave her enough money to comfortably start a new life, and yet she was still killed while blackmailing an Escarlish lord.”

“It’s all right to have empathy for her, even if you don’t agree with her choices in life.” Essie’s chest hurt, seeing him in such pain over this.

Farrendel gave a nod against her hand.

Essie withdrew her hand from his cheek to hold his hand instead. “I know it will be hard, but I think it will be good for you to read through these files and figure out for yourself how you feel about your mother.”

He drew in a deep breath and let it out with a shudder. “I need to face this. Before I have children of my own, I need to lay my past to rest, if just in my own mind.”

“I know.” Essie wrapped her arms around him. “And I’ll be here every step of the way. You won’t have to face this alone.”

“Linshi.” Farrendel pressed his face into her hair as he seemed to gather himself. Then, he kissed her and drew back, his expression and gaze lighter than it had been a moment ago. “Your breakfast is getting cold. You will be late if you do not eat it soon.”

“Your legs are going to sleep, aren’t they?” Essie was still sitting in his lap after all. Comfortable enough for her. Probably less so for him.

“Yes.” His hands tightened on her waist.

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