Page 41 of War Bound

The only way to test that was to stick her hand into a bolt of Farrendel’s magic, and that didn’t seem like a good idea. Not if she wanted to keep her hand.

Farrendel stepped closer and cradled Essie’s face in both of his hands. “My magic could have killed you. If I had hurt you...”

“You didn’t.” Essie wouldn’t let herself fear Farrendel. He hadn’t lashed out on purpose. He shouldn’t bear guilt for this. She took both of his hands and laced her fingers through his. “You’ve never lashed out before. It only happened this time because you’ve been pushing yourself to stay here beyond what you could handle.”

He hung his head, staring at the floor. “This is your home. I wanted to give you time here.”

“But staying here is hurting you.” She touched his cheek.

“I am sorry. I do not want to be this weak. I thought this was something I could sacrifice for you. You sacrificed so much for me.”

Was that what he thought? In some ways, she had sacrificed a lot to marry him. In the beginning, it hadn’t necessarily been for him, but for Escarland. But she’d given up her home here. Time with her family. Even her own culture.

Essie tipped Farrendel’s face up, but he still wouldn’t look at her. “Yes, love is sacrifice. But love doesn’t demand sacrifices that hurt you mentally or physically or emotionally. Not like this is doing. This isn’t healthy for you. I’m sorry I didn’t insist on changing our sleeping quarters sooner. I’m getting better at learning what you can and can’t handle, but I’m not going to be able to anticipate everything. I need you to be honest with me when you truly can’t handle something. That way we can figure out a compromise that works for both of us before you’re pushed to the breaking point like this.”

And before she was pushed to hers.

Farrendel nodded. Then, slowly, he wrapped his arms around her. She leaned her head against his shoulder, embracing him. A few hot tears burned their way down her cheeks. She didn’t want to cry. Not over this. No one had been hurt. Nothing broken but an easily replaced lamp.

But everything in her felt worn thin and faded. Broken and exhausted. In the week since the trolls’ attack, she hadn’t had a fully restful night.

Was this what Farrendel felt like all the time? No wonder he was so skittish when the slightest thing could send his careful balance tipping out of his control.

“Essie, I cannot risk hurting you.” Farrendel’s arms tightened around her, his head leaning against hers.

She felt him draw in a breath, and she hurried to speak before he suggested they go back to sleeping in separate rooms or something crazy like that. They’d only been sharing a room for a week—a week of little sleep—but even then, she didn’t want to go back to so much distance between them. “I know. And, you’re right. We need to be more cautious. I won’t shake you awake anymore or make a loud noise or anything to startle you awake. I’ll call your name or something. It may take longer to rouse you, but it’s probably wiser.”

“I do not need to be awakened from my nightmares. I will wake myself before they stretch too long. It is enough to know you will be there when I do wake,” Farrendel murmured, his mouth only a few inches from her ear.

“All right.” It ached inside her that she couldn’t do anything to rescue him from his nightmares. But she had been too naïve to think that he would never lash out magically or otherwise when startled awake from nightmares of torture and death. She took a step back out of his embrace to meet his gaze. “But let’s also do our best to keep you from having nightmares in the first place. We won’t be able to stop them entirely, but avoiding things like sleeping in stone buildings, for example, will help.”

Farrendel’s mouth quirked at one corner, as if he was attempting—and failing—to smile. “Yes.”

As much as Essie would’ve loved to stand there in Farrendel’s arms, her brothers had only given her twenty minutes before they would descend on the campsite. And, even while they were standing there, the stones of Winstead Palace were pressing down on Farrendel, hurting him. The sooner she got him into the forest, the better.

She pulled away from him and strode to the foot of her bed. After pushing open the trunk there, she tugged out two wool blankets that still smelled faintly of smoke. She tossed the brown one to Farrendel, keeping the green one for herself. “That’s why we’re going to camp in the forest on the grounds. Well, I guess we call it a forest. You’re probably going to find the trees a bit underwhelming after what you’re used to. But it’ll be better than staying here.”

After lighting a lamp, Essie quickly packed a few items of clothing and other essentials she might want first thing in the morning, like a hairbrush, as did Farrendel. Then she wrapped her blanket over her shoulders, took Farrendel’s hand, and led the way from her room, down the hallway and stairs, and to the end of the family wing that opened onto a terraced patio overlooking the formal gardens. In the darkness, the forest loomed as a dark mass against the star-studded sky. The perfect night for camping outside.

As they stepped outside, Farrendel drew in a deep breath, some of the tension of his grip on her hand relaxing. More of his tensed muscles released as they stepped from the stone terrace onto the graveled paths through the formal garden.

Lamp in hand, Essie navigated through the carefully maintained flowerbeds to the far side where the woods had been allowed to grow wild and virtually untamed in the center of the acres of grounds the palace claimed. Only a few dirt trails crisscrossed the forest, trails Essie knew by heart after years of exploring them with her brothers and by herself.

This was a section of woods untouched by logging, filled with oaks, maples, and beech that she and Farrendel together couldn’t wrap their arms around, though they were still small compared to the giant trees found in the elven forests.

Still, Essie breathed deeply of the fresh, green scent of the forest, her own muscles relaxing. She hadn’t realized how used to living in the peace and quiet of a forest she had become until now.

In the middle of the woods, a small circle had been cleared of trees. A fire pit surrounded by stones was in the center. Large, split log benches surrounded the fire pit.

After setting the lamp onto one of the benches, Essie tugged her blanket tighter around her shoulders and took a seat on one of the benches that had plenty of room for two people. “What do you think? Is this better?”

Farrendel paced around the campsite for several moments before he joined her on the bench. “Yes.”

“My father used to take the family camping here. He couldn’t always get away to spend time at the summer palace, so this spot became the place he could spend time with the family even for a night. It’s secluded, but the palace staff could fetch him quickly if he was needed. And, inside the palace grounds as it is, it is safe for the royal family to camp without guards patrolling close by.” Essie stared at her hands, trying to piece together the hazy memories she had of back then.

This was a personal, vulnerable thing to share, but Farrendel needed to understand what this place meant to her family. What it meant that he was being included here. “I only have a few, hazy memories of camping with my father here before he went to war. I was too little to go more than a handful of times.”

“I am sorry.” Farrendel took her hand. The heart bond flared warmer inside her chest.

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