Page 93 of Lost Soul

“I’m so sorry, Maddy.” He closes his eyes to hide that pain away from me again.

“You should be with your mama. You’re safer there, I’ve been selfish to keep you here.”

“Then be selfish again, keep me here,” I yell, just as the door opens and Nyx walks in.

“I can’t do that, darlin’,” Jessie whispers, and just like that my world collapses around me. My chest feels too tight for my lungs to stretch for air. I need him. I don’t want to go to Cannonville, not even if it means I get to see Mama. I want to stay here where I belong.

Jessie leaves me standing in the door to the bedroom, walking past me to hand my holdall over to Nyx.

“Don’t, Jessie, please.” My tears leave a cool trail against my hot cheeks, and I wipe them away with the back of my hand and chase after him.

“You need to go, Maddy,” Jessie whispers like he has no patience left in him.

“Jessie, come on,” I plead, refusing to budge. I’m not leaving with Nyx, I’m not going to Utah, I’m taking charge of my own life for once.

“You want me to say it? Keep on pushing. But don’t blame me when you’re hurting like hell,” he warns.

“What? Say what Jessie?” I yell at him.

“Jessie, you don’t want me to leave, you said you couldn’t lose me,” I remind him, clawing at anything to stop him sending me away. “You promised you’d never hurt me.”

“And you should never have trusted me. I gave you enough warning,” he tells me. “Hayley was right, you were just a plaything. I was fed up of club whores kneeling and sucking whenever I told them to. You were a challenge, something different, and I got what I wanted. Now I want you to leave.” The way he speaks so emotionlessly drives a stake into my heart.

“You don’t mean that.” I shake my head, and he answers me with silence. I choke on my own breaths while I wait for him to tell me he’s sorry. But he doesn’t and I lose it.

“You selfish bastard.” My hand raises and my palm stings like hell when it impacts his cheek. Jessie doesn’t react, just takes my assault with his eyes fixed on the floor. I gasp in shock, ashamed by my own actions, and when he looks up at me, instead of the anger I’m expecting his expression is blank.

“Yeah well, I never claimed to be anything else.” Jessie shrugs.

“You promised me you’d never hurt me,” I remind him through sobs.

“I told you what you wanted to hear.” Jessie nods at Nyx over my shoulder.

“Don’t say that, Jessie, you don’t mean it. You take that back.” I feel an arm on my shoulder tugging me away, and I fight it off the best I can, but it’s too strong, and it drags me further and further away from Jessie. I’m not sure what I would do if I did manage to get to him. Hug him or attack him?

Jessie’s crystal blue eyes turn stormy as Nyx manhandles me out of the cabin and into the truck outside. I don’t care about the small crowd of people that have gathered outside and are watching me fight against Nyx, screaming my demands at him to take me back inside.

My life isn’t in Cannonville. It’s here with Jessie and this fucked up brotherhood that he calls a family. But he doesn’t even follow me out, nor does he watch as I give up my fight and stay seated in the seat that Nyx practically throws me into. Troj offers me an apologetic smile as Nyx pulls away and speeds off down the dirt track.

Even Nyx looks a little sad for me as he pulls out onto the main road heading in the direction of the freeway.

“You'll feel better when you see your mom, and you’ll like Utah there are more families around.” Nyx sounds friendly for the first time ever, and I’m sure if I didn’t feel as though I’d been stabbed repeatedly in the chest I would appreciate his attempt of comfort. Though I don’t answer him, just press my forehead against the cool glass window and close my eyes. I try to focus on the fact that I will see Mama in a few hours. But it only reminds me that I won’t be with Jessie.

I can’t let myself believe the last words he said to me. There was more to us, I’d felt it. Or, had I just wanted it so badly that I imagined it? None of that matters now anyway, not as I get further and further away from him.

I let her go.

It was the right thing to do. For once in my life I’d done the decent thing, and if this is being moral, moral fucking sucks.

Surely doing a good thing wasn’t supposed to hurt so fucking much but seeing the hurt on her face when I lied to her, told her all she was to me was a challenge, had stung like a thousand needles. It burned me inside that I had to make her leave. But she belonged with her mom. I should never have kept them apart. It was just another selfish scheme I’d concocted, telling myself at the time that it was the best for Maddy's safety.

Me and Maddy were based on lies, all selfish decisions I’d made to make myself feel better.

I liked the thought of having Maddy to myself too much, I knew her mama being around could have made things difficult. Besides I wasn’t sure if I could trust a woman who whored for the Bastards.

My head pounds, and when I look in the cupboard there’s nothing left in the bottle of scotch. I throw it against the wall and let it smash to pieces.

Why did I have to be so spiteful to her? Her last memory of me would be all the cruel things I’d said to her before she left. Surely there was an easier way.

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