Page 90 of Lost Soul

Maddy's fingers stop moving and she looks down at me confused.

“She never said anything to me, and we talked about everything.” She sounds betrayed.

“It’s here in black and fuckin’ white.” I push the table away as I jump to my feet. Grabbing a handful of letters, I slam them against her chest. “Every word, every feeling since she was ten years old.”

Maddy scoops up the letters, and as she starts to read her face grows sadder.

“What does she mean, you asked her to speak to me?” she asks, sounding hurt. “A new plaything? Jessie what is this?” Her eyes glass over, and I take in a deep breath before I tell her something I know will shatter her.

“I asked Hayley to start speaking to you,” I admit. “I’d noticed you months before, and had no clue how to talk to you myself. I wanted to know more about you, so I asked Hay to find out about you.” Maddy chokes on her tears as she hears my confession, and when I reach out to comfort her she smacks my arm away.

“So you're telling me that my friendship with Hayley. The only friendship I’ve ever had, was something you fabricated so you could fuck me.”

As well as all the sadness there’s so much anger in her beautiful eyes, anger I’ve never seen before. It doesn’t belong there and turns me inside out.

“No, it was nothing like that. Hayley had the idea to become your friend, said she could find out more that way. But in the end it was real, look read on she says how much she likes you.” I scramble through the letters trying to find the one I had read earlier about her starting to like Maddy. But she’s already starting to back away from me.

“Is that what I am? A plaything, Jessie.”

“Fuck no, nothing like that. Mads, you fucking mean everything to me. That’s why I wanted her to talk to you. I had to know more about you, and yeah, Maddy, I let her become your friend when I shouldn’t have. But I ain't sorry for it, ‘coz I got you now.”

“You’ve got me?” She fakes a laugh that tells me I chose my words all wrong. “So that makes it okay that you used someone to become my fake friend. Had me believe I finally had someone who cared about me…” I get a horrible sense that she’s gonna run and that’s exactly what she does. She slams the door behind her so hard that it shakes the whole cabin.

I want to chase after her, to make all this better. But she needs her space, and being honest, right now, I need mine too.

Hayley must have been hurting so bad. I’d spent all this time thinking she wanted me and Mads to be together. Hoping she’d be looking down at us, proud of me for getting it together. Or is that just what I’d wanted to believe. Reality is, I’d spent the final months of her life breaking her heart and being insensitive.

I clear away the letters, placing the lid back on the box. There are still so many unread, but I can’t face any more guilt. Not today.

This really is all on me, Hayley would still be here if I hadn’t asked her to speak to Maddy. Maddy would still be hacking for the Bastards, she’d be safe from them and still have a life beyond the confines of this club.

I was bad news for both of them, and hell’s fucked if I’m gonna let Maddy end up the same way Hayley has.

Best place for her is as far away from me as she can get.

I don’t give myself chance to talk myself out of doing what I have to. Pulling out my cell I make the call. The call I should have made the day we brought Maddy back here, but had been too damn selfish to.

Yeah, it’s gonna kill me, but it has to be done. I owe it to Maddy to make the right decision for her this time, and I owe it to Hayley to keep the girl who had become her best friend protected.

I must have walked the entire perimeter of the compound twice, and to say I never thought about running out of it would be a lie.

I stick to the perimeter and walk until my feet ache as much as my heart, and even then I still don’t stop. Darkness creeps in, and the noises that come from inside the woods sound scary, but not nearly as much as the thought of going home and facing Jessie.

I’ve been stupid, how did I not notice that Hayley had loved him herself. I thought we’d been so close, that she told me everything, but everything had just been an act.

If I’d have known how she felt about Jessie, I’d never have spoken about him to her the way I did. She must have hated me for it. And if I’d any clue this was all part of a well thought out plan, I would have avoided them both. I wouldn’t be feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my chest due to the loss of so many people.

Everything that is left for me to live for is all based on lies.

The evening pulls in fast and the chill in the air plummets, forcing me to make my way back to the cabin and face my problem. When I get back, the place is empty, There’s no sign of Jessie, or Hayley's letters.

Just empty space and silence.

The hollowness I've been feeling in the pit of my stomach spreads further without him here. Confirming how much I’ve grown to need him.

Regardless of how I’d come to know him, I’ve fallen in love with Jessie. Never have I felt more safe or protected than I do with him. Somewhere on my way back here, I’ve decided I want to hear him out and give him the chance to explain. I don’t have the strength to lose someone else who I love.

I just hope Jessie feels the same way, that he meant what he said and that I wasn’t a plaything to him.

---