Page 39 of Lost Soul

“What sort of guy would I be if I didn’t?” I call back at her. When she turns back around, the automatic light kicks in and lights her up like some kind of fucking angel.

“One of the bad guys I guess,” she shrugs sounding playful.

“You better fuckin’ believe it,” I confirm with a wink. I watch her open the door and step inside the house. The girl has no clue that my black, damaged heart sits right in the palm of her hand, what she decides to do with it now is her choice, just so long as she never gives it me back.

So, my plan backfired, massively.

Over the years I’ve seen many sides of Jessie, but not once in all that time has his anger ever been directed at me. Watching him disappear with that whore sat proudly on the back of his bike had just about torn everything out of me, and I only had myself to blame for pushing him.

He avoids me for the next couple of days. I tell myself it’s because Daddy has come back and there’s been loads of ‘club stuff’ to deal with, but deep down I know it’s because he’s still mad at me.

On Monday, Maddy tells me that he asked if he could take her on a ‘ride’. Of course, she’d accepted, and I want to hate her for it.

I want to hate the bitch so damn much that I offer to be on standby to do her makeup when Jessie finally grows the balls to take her.

Thankfully, that day is still yet to come, and I can see Maddy growing more and more anxious. It almost disturbs me that I take no pleasure in seeing her suffer.

I’m relieved when instead of Nyx or Tommy, Jessie picks me up from college on Friday, and like always he takes me to Bernie’s. It feels good to slip into our usual routine again. There’s no sign of Maddy either, and I’m thankful for that. Her being here would have caused an unintentional awkwardness. After we finish up our burgers, we drive home, and Jessie follows me inside to the kitchen. I can tell he’s holding something back from me, he’s being distant, and whatever it is I wish he would just hurry up and say it.

“You know I asked Mads out, right?” he blurts out when I start clearing up the dishes that are left out from breakfast.

“Yeah, she mentioned something about it.” I pass him the fruit bowl to hold while I clean the crumbs from the table with a cloth, and when I’m done he places it back in the center.

“So?” I throw the cloth into the basin with perfect aim, and then give him all of my attention.

“It doesn’t matter,” he shakes his head, yet still wears the wounded puppy look all over his handsome face.

“C’mon out with it.” I take a seat and look up at him expectantly, it isn’t like there’s much left he can say to hurt me.

“I guess it’s just… well…” The words don’t seem to want to come out of his mouth. Being awkward, as cute as it is, doesn’t suit him.

“For fuck's sake, will you just spit it out,” I say, frustrated at him tiptoeing around the point.

“I don’t know how to be with her,” he says quickly. It’s hard for him to admit, I can tell by the shameful look on his face. “She’s just so different Hay. She’s… special and I don’t know how to—”

“I’m sure you’re more experienced than I am,” I interrupt sarcastically.

“I’ve never kissed anyone before.” He looks down at his feet avoiding eye contact.

“What?” I laugh because there is no reaction for the level of shock I’m currently feeling. “You’re kidding me, right?”

“Does this look like the face of a fuckin’ kidder, Hay?” He looks up at me seriously. “I don’t get… close to girls.”

“Oh I’ve seen you get pretty close,” I remind him, but his face remains straight.

“You know what I mean. I’ve never wanted to kiss a girl before, not until her.” He sits in the chair opposite me. “C’mon, Hay, help me out.”

I roll my eyes, mainly at myself for being pathetic enough to feel sorry for him.

“Jess I bet you’ve run out of fingers and toes to count the number of women you’ve been with, all of them no doubt experienced. Maddy’s a virgin for Christ’s sake, you could be awful, and she’ll never know.”

“That’s not the bit I’m worried about… well not as much.” He starts turning all weird again. “Look, girls like Maddy, I assume have, like base rules and all that kinda shit.”

I give him a look that tells him he’s gonna have to be a lot more specific. “Dirty Souls school of fuckery, kinda skipped past the whole first base unit,” he tells me scratching the back of his neck internally cringing, and I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I do a good job of holding off both.

“You know what, this was a real bad idea. I’m gonna get going. I’ll figure it out.” He turns ready to leave.

“No, wait.” I stop him standing up by tugging at his arm. “Of course I’ll try to help you. I’m just a little shocked that’s all, you’re telling me you’ve never kissed anyone?” He’s silent for a while and eventually lets out a long breath before he answers.

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