Page 94 of Lost Soul

There’s only one way to make the pain stop, one way to void my mind of her, and that’s to hurt.

I search around for my list of the Bastards’ errand boys. My personal directory of wrath. It’s a bad idea in the mood I’m in, and I already doubt I’ll be able to stop at just a warning, but I have to do something, anything to remind me of who I am. To stop any doubt that I was wrong to let her go.

I search through the pile of clothes Maddy had neatly folded on the table, looking for my jeans and hoping the list hadn’t been in the pocket when Maddy washed them. Something falls to the floor, but it isn’t my list. It’s a letter with my name boldly written in Hayley's handwriting.

Another reminder of what a cunt I am. All those years she’d loved me, and I’d been too wrapped up in myself to even notice. I’d used her to get Maddy, and she’d been so desperate to please me she’d made herself miserable.

None of this would have happened if I hadn’t have asked her to find out about Maddy for me.

Hayley’s words are so painful, just the thought of reading them make my guts clench, but it’s no less than I deserve.

I could easily take out a few names on that list, causing actual pain to the people who are on it. But what’s the point when the person who deserves to hurt the most is me. I try to imagine how she must have felt when I was talking to her about Maddy, how mean I was to her the night she brought Maddy to the club. I was too busy giving a shit about myself and this club to even notice she had those types of feelings for me.

My fingers tear open the letter before I can talk myself out of it, and I slide down to the floor, resting my back against the refrigerator. I start to read.

Jessie,

I don’t know where to even start this time. These letters have been my way of outing all my feelings for so long it seems strange to think this will be my last one.

You know, I had every intention of giving you the first one I wrote to you. I was ten years old and thought I could make such a difference to your life with a few stupid words. Over time I’ve realized that I’ve been writing these letters for myself.

I’ve never really had anyone I could talk to, no one who would really understand me. And no that’s not a dig. I know how much you care about me. I could hardly talk to you about this, could I?

Today I admitted something to myself that I’ve been denying for way too long. I finally accepted that no matter how deep I look, or how hard I wish, I’m never gonna find that look in your eyes. The one you’ve saved up your whole life to give to Maddy. It’s a look I was worried you’d never be capable of giving to anyone. Jessie, all the years I’ve known you I’ve been so scared that you wouldn’t fall in love with me that I got distracted from what I’d feared most.

That first day I met you, the coldness in your eyes made me worry you’d never be able to love anyone again. I didn’t want that for you, but now I know from the way you look at Maddy, the way you hide yourself to protect her.

You love her.

Now, I’m not about to pretend that I’m not pissed that it’s not me you fell for, I’ve never been one to sugarcoat, but if a girl's gonna lose out to anyone, Maddy Summers is the girl she’d want to lose to. She is perfect… Fucking perfect. I’ve tried hating her, believe me I’ve tried so damn hard, but the fact is she’s impossible not to love. She’s caring, smart, and the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in real life. But what I love about her the most is the way she sees you. She sees My Jessie. She looks far enough past your cut and the people you hang around with to know who you are and what you’re capable of. Her eyes are open to the Jessie that I’ve been crazy about since I was ten years old, and if you give her a chance to, I know she’ll love you right back.

For god’s sake, Jessie, give her your heart and let her keep it safe for you.

I talked to Skid today, he’s onto me. He knows how I feel. I’m guessing he has for a while. He’s worried, reminded me of all the reasons why me loving you is a bad and dangerous idea, and he’s right of course. When isn’t he?

He got me thinking about what was really important too.

I’m never gonna stop loving you, not ever, and I won’t apologize either. This shit is sloppy enough without me turning in to a do-gooder. But the thing that really matters is that you are loved by someone. Someone who can love you freely, and who you can love back.

So as much as it breaks my heart that this will be the last letter you never read. I can’t torture myself by writing any more.

We can be happy.

You and Maddy together, the most beautiful couple that ever existed, and me knowing that I did the right thing. I’m gonna speak to you next time I see you, tell you to stop being a dick and have some faith in yourself. You need to know that you’re good enough for a girl like Maddy Summers. I’ll even help you make sure you don’t screw this shit up. I’ll remind you of all the amazing things that you are, things that you so easily forget. Like the passion you put into everything you do, and the way you care about the people close to you.

Most of all, I’m going to make sure you know how special you are, that hidden underneath the surface is a really good guy who you let out for the people who matter to you. I’m so privileged to be one of those people Jessie.

I told myself for so long that you couldn’t give yourself to anyone, that you belonged to the club. But I was wrong, Maddy makes you want things you never knew you were missing out on. She makes you want to be a better person, and she made you lose the god damn cut. You should give her all that shit and more.

Belong to her.

I’ll be okay, I can love you through silence and without pain, because you found love, and that for me will always be enough.

Be happy.

Your Best Friend always,

Hayley

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