Page 40 of Lost Soul

“I’ve only been with women from here,” he admits.

“You mean club sluts like Mel, right?” As much as I hate him suffering, I can’t resist a sly dig, purely for my benefit.

“Right.” He nods. “And those kinda girls get shared around, not that that shit bothers me. I always glove up. But when it comes to kissing, I can’t think of anyone who would willingly put their mouth near anywhere Squealer’s put his dick. You get what I’m sayin’?” He looks at me, and we both pull the same face at the thought. “Well, not without some kinda tongue condom on or some shit,” Jessie adds, and we both laugh before things turn serious again.

“Anyway, kissing’s kind of personal, you’ve seen how Skid kisses Carly, there’s more to it than just sticking your tongue down a bitches throat. It ain't ramming your dick in someone to get yourself off. You need real feelings to kiss someone.”

“And that’s what you want with Maddy? What Skid and Carly have?” I ask the question, dreading the answer because I know it’s gonna shatter me to pieces.

“I don’t know what the fuck I want with that girl.” He slumps back and draws his fingers through his hair. “I know this whole thing is a bad idea, but I can’t stop it, Hayley, I’ve tried. I’ve tried staying away from her but I can’t. It’s selfish, but the thought of her being with anyone else stops me breathing. You understand, right?”

“Yeah, I understand,” I assure him, trying to catch a breath of my own while holding tears in at the same time. I take his hand in mine. Despite every single one of his words stinging me raw, I see real pain behind his eyes.

“You got nothing to worry about,” I tell him softly. “When the time comes, just tell her everything you just told me, only do it without words.” He looks at me a little confused and when the penny drops, he half smiles back at me.

“You think I’m doing the wrong thing?” he asks me softly, as if my opinion matters to him and all I can do was shake my head.

“I’m bad for her, Hay. I don’t wanna hurt her.”

“You won’t,” I assure him, my eyes swelling with tears.

“How can you be so sure?”

I pull my hand from his, and tuck it inside his cut, pressing it against his firm chest.

“Because, Jessie Donavon, buried deep down beneath all the fucked up shit, and those impeccable pecs, you’ve got a heart. One that beats solely for the people that you care about. If Maddy Summers is one of those people, she’s gonna be just fine.” I can feel tears starting to slip free from the corners of my eyes, so I stand up, I’m about to walk away when his hand wraps around my wrist and drags my hand back to his chest.

“You’ll always be one of those people, you know that, right?” he frowns. I nod back at him with a smile that takes every strength inside me to pull together.

“I got loads of school work to do. I should get on.” I slide my hand away from his chest and grab my bag from the table.

“Yeah I promised to help Skid shift some stuff out of his cabin, it's being decorated,” he says, leaping up from the table and placing a kiss on my forehead. “Good talk,” he speaks against my skin.

“Yeah, good talk,” I whisper, watching him stroll out of the door.

I go to my room and shut the door behind me, then back up against it and slide down into a ball on the floor. Tears stream down my cheeks, like the dam that’s held them for so long has finally been broken. I don’t know how long I sit there, but it’s long enough for my eyes to ache as much as my heart.

Wiping my eyes on the back of my hand I scramble forward to the bedside table, open up the top drawer, and take out a pen and paper. I bleed all my pain on to the paper, then seal it into an envelope and write his name on the front.

I don’t even pretend to myself that I’m going to give it to him. I stopped doing that years ago.

Another tear rolls off my cheek and splashes on to the fresh ink, blotching one of the s’s in his name. I hold the letter in my hand and watch as one tiny teardrop spreads among the letters, blurring them and making an inky mess on the envelope. Then like always, I blot the envelope to my lips, reach under my bed and pull out the shoe box.

Opening the lid I place it on top of all the others, I’d tossed the other items to make space years ago, keyrings and stones no longer mattered to me, but my letters held their value. Letters Jessie would never read, feelings Jessie would never discover, and words that will forever remain hidden in a shoe box.

“We got company,” Nyx calls out, banging on the door while church is still in session. It has to be something important for anyone to have the balls to interrupt us.

“Check it out,” Prez instructs Troj, who leaves the table to step outside. He returns moments later with a panicked expression that has me up on my feet.

“Fuckin’ Feds,” he says. “CCTV’s picking them up turning off the bottom road, we haven’t got long.”

“Clear the vestry,” Prez calls across the table. Sending Squealer and Screwy straight to work, they head straight for the back room where we keep some of our gun supply. Thorne leaves to grab the cage, while me and Troj follow the temper twins into the vestry.

They already have the back doors open, and Thorne quickly backs up the transit so we can start loading. We work as fast as we can, hoping that Prez can stall the feds long enough for Thorne to get to the track we keep clear in the woods. The track that leads off our border and on to the Indian reservation the other side. They’ve made it clear they don’t want us on their territory, but in cases of emergency like this one, they’ll have to fuckin’ deal.

For once I’m thankful that our supplies are low, seems like we did our deal out in Nebraska at just the right time.

I slam the van door shut when we we’re cleared out and bang hard on the back, signaling for Thorne to get the fuck out of here, and we all breathe a sigh of relief when he disappears into the tree line.

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