Page 26 of Submissive Lies

-You can tell Thomas that you are a submissive, but you know he’ll never understand. That’s not who he thinks you are. That’s not the person you led him to believe you were. You start down this path, you need to stop with all this bullshit that you can still salvage something out of this. Just fucking admit it right now. That relationship is over. You understand? Over.-

I know.

-You know? You know? Jesus, that’s cold, Jen. That man is in love with you.-

I... I’m…

-What? Say. It.-

I’m not in love with him. I love him, but…

-Spare me. I don’t need to hear the rest of your bullshit. You said the worst of it.-

It’s not fair for me to continue the lie.

-Oh, boohoo. Not fair for you. Cry me a river.-

Okay, fine. For him.

-Damn right, for him. You created the lie, bitch. You created it, sold it, and lived it with him until suddenly you couldn’t any longer. Now you’re gonna screw him over because of your grand epiphany that you’ve been a submissive all this time, and—oh, sorry, my bad!—now you can’t be the person he fell in love with.-

What do you want me to say?

-Nothing. There is nothing you can say.-

Fine.

-Oh, one other thing. How are you going to act when you walk across that street and back into the booth? Hmm?-

I don’t know.

-Well, you better figure it the fuck out, and fast.-

“So, have we decided on anything?”

I looked up at the server, mouth open, no words coming out. The menu still lay open in front of me. “Another minute, please?”

There was no response this time. The server turned without a word, walking down the counter and away from me.

As I relived everything that had taken place across the street in the convention hall, I knew this must be what it felt like to have an out-of-body experience. I was watching myself sitting on this stool, fiddling with a menu I wasn’t even reading. I was having an epiphany that threatened to change my life, and I’d decided the best place to do it was sitting at a diner counter in Chicago, Illinois.

Outstanding.

I was having a crisis and trying not to panic amidst all of this. However, no emotion at this point was as powerful as the one of relief that coming clean with myself gave. It was cathartic. It felt liberating. There was nothing unique about feeling regret over a poor, rash decision followed by relief once it had resolved itself. I might have felt that way at the moment, but maybe what made this revelation seem so powerful was that I knew what I was coming to terms with was not only a central part of my sexuality, but of my personality, too.

For the first time since Ben, I felt like myself again.

-Okay… So, this is how you’re going to do this, huh? A few wet dreams, some idle afternoon fantasies, and now you’re suddenly going to become a submissive again. Just like that.-

I didn’t plan this. It just happened. I tried to keep up the lie. And when I realized I couldn’t do that, I tried to tell Thomas what I am.

-Bullshit! You never even spoke to him about anything.-

Umm, hello? ‘Are you talking about rough sex?’ ‘I’m going to fuck you hard, Jen.’ Did you fucking forget that? Because I haven’t. I. Tried.

-Well how about you try a little harder?-

No.

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