Page 87 of Submissive Lies

Steve’s eyes scanned back and forth across my face, his mouth tight. “And, I’m not an idiot, Jen. Trust me, I know you can just tell me another fucking boatload of lies right now if you want to. Same as you did in Chicago. I’ll have no way of knowing whether you’re telling me the truth now any more than I did back then. But I’m giving you a chance. Convince me. Convince me there’s a reason behind why you did what you did. Convince me that you’re not lying to me all over again. I just want an explanation. Something. So at the very least, if nothing else, I can just put all this behind me and get on with my life.”

He stopped, and we both sat in silence. Even though I felt tears pressing against the back of my eyes, I didn’t cry. I owed Steve a calm, lucid explanation of all that I had done. Not a response that might make him think I was using emotions in a play for sympathy. I didn’t want his pity. What I wanted was his trust. I wanted to repair the damage I had done. And if I couldn’t do that, I at least wanted to give him the best explanation I could for what had motivated me. Why I had done what I’d done.

The waitress approached our table. We both looked up at her simultaneously.

“Have you had a chance to look at the menu? Is there anything I can explain?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t even spared a moment for it or to think about food. Steve had been my sole focus. I picked up the menu, flipping the cover open, searching quickly for something to choose. Even as I did, Steve spoke.

“The lady will have the chicken Florentine with the side vegetables. I’ll have the skirt steak with mushrooms, please. No side.”

I looked up at him. He turned his gaze from the server to me, eyebrow cocked. I felt a tremor run through me. This was the man I remembered from Chicago. In charge, confident, commanding, self-assured. The Dominant I’d suspected he was, and which circumstances had proven true. I gave him an imperceptible nod, lowering my eyes back down.

“Sounds good! Another glass of wine?” The server motioned towards my glass, and I shook my head no.

“I’m fine for the moment, thanks.”

“And you, sir?”

“Water’s fine, thank you.”

The woman nodded, smiling. “Okay. I’ll get your order in and check back in a bit to see if there’s anything else you need. Thanks!”

She turned and walked away. I looked up from the tabletop to Steve.

“Thank you.”

He looked at me, his face assured. “I remembered what you chose for dinner that night in Chicago. I thought this would be OK.”

“It is. I appreciate it. I was so focused on what you were saying I hadn’t even looked at the menu….” My voice trailed off, and I found myself glancing down at the tabletop again.

We didn’t pick up the conversation where we’d left off. Instead, Steve made small talk while we waited for our meals to arrive. It was all bland pleasantries. The weather, what he’d been doing, what I’d been doing, Marty sending his regards. I was only half-listening to most of it. My fixation was on what Steve had said at the end.

‘Convince me. Convince me there’s a reason behind why you did what you did.’

I wanted to do that. Convince him. Convince him I wasn’t the horrible person I was sure he must think of me. That the person sitting across from him right now was the real me. Not the half-me he’d left on the show floor. How I would do that I had no idea. There was only one thing I was certain of. No matter what, I wasn’t going to lie to him.

About anything.

Our conversation continued, a chain of banal trivialities interspersed with silences that were tense only because I wanted desperately to tell Steve what I thinking. I was chewing my lip raw trying to think of things to say when the server finally arrived with our food. She placed the dishes in front of us, and then asked if we needed anything else.

Steve smiled politely at her. “No, I think we’re good. Thank you.”

“Okay! I’ll be back by later to check up with you and see if there’s anything you need.”

She walked off, and I looked down at the plate in front of me. It might as well have been ash for all the appeal it held. I pushed a bit of it around, taking one small bite.

“So…” Steve cleared his throat. I looked up to find his gaze fixed on me, eyes serious. Waiting.

I took a deep breath.

“Yes, I lied to you. I know that’s stating the obvious, but I think the first step here is for me to admit to you that I did. I also want you to know that it wasn’t just you. I lied to a lot of people, Steve. I lied to myself. And that’s the thing. That lie, the one I told myself… That’s what really set everything in motion. It caused me to make some really bad decisions. To tell some really bad lies to some really good people. Honestly, I can’t justify any of what I did. There is no justification. I can only explain what happened.”

And so I told him. Of Ben. Of my decision. Of Thomas.

Of everything.

“And then I met you.”

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