Page 82 of Submissive Lies

I nodded, continuing to stare into my lap.

“Yes.”

He blew out a deep breath, his head shaking slowly. “Wow. Do I feel like an idiot.”

“No! Don’t say, that. Please. You couldn’t have known. I didn’t exactly tell you…”

He stared at me as my voice trailed off.

“No. You didn’t.” He shook his head and then looked away across the room. “And I sure as hell would never have guessed.”

I felt the world fall away. For a minute we sat in silence. I listened to the sounds of birds in the tree outside my apartment. They called to each other, a tête-à-tête of chirps that ended in a burst of chattering as they flew away.

“I suppose that’s it, then?” I whispered.

“I suppose it is.”

My eyes filled. “Why does this hurt so much?”

“Because it’s supposed to.”

He stood.

“I’m going to go now, Jen,” he said it quietly, yet his voice was firm.

I stared up at him, and the tears began to flow once more. As he gazed down at me, I saw tears slipping down his cheeks. Silent tracks that made me choke.

I rose and wrapped my arms around him. I crushed myself to his chest, as if somehow I could pull a piece of him inside me to hold onto forever. At first he didn’t move, but then he carefully enfolded me in his arms, and we held onto each other. I was still sobbing when he gently gripped my shoulders, prying himself away from me.

“I’m so sorry, Thomas.” My voice was a cracking, gasping thing.

“I know you are, Jen. So am I.”

With that, he turned, strode across the room, and walked out the door.

I spent the rest of the day in bed. I cried until my body became a mass of knotted muscle that wouldn’t allow my chest to heave another sob. In the end I just lay there and drifted in and out of consciousness. Restless sleep where I dreamed nightmares that had no definition. Amorphous falling sensations, brain coral like objects I tried to flee but stuck to me no matter how hard I ran, scraping my flesh raw. I didn’t get up to eat, to shower, to do anything. When I awoke the next morning, I stumbled to the bathroom, urinated, and then shambled right back to the bed. Right back into the dreams. When I awoke out of one, I glanced at my phone. 3:25pm. Jesus Christ.

-Why get up? I’m enjoying this. I love watching you wallow in misery of your own creation. Because I told you this was going to happen. I knew it would!-

You know what? Fuck you. I’m so fucking tired of letting you think you’re going to win.

-Oh, yeah? Ha! Then do something about it.-

I dragged myself up. I showered. Heading to the kitchen, I ate the remnants of the Chinese. I sat on the couch and did what I shouldn’t have done, but that I knew I needed to. I went over it all. Again. In excruciating detail.

“You made a mistake. We all make fucking mistakes in our lives.”

Thomas’ words rang in my head like a preacher from a pulpit, but even though I could accept the truth in those words, the reality of everything I’d done, all the fallout and the consequences of my actions laid heavy on me. Coupled with the now growing strength of my self-loathing and its companion guilt, for every time I clung to those words, they threw a dozen examples back at me of just how badly I had fucked up.

-Hey, remember the look on Steve’s face when Samantha said ‘Thomas’ girlfriend’? Aww… that was incredible wasn’t it? Destroying someone’s faith in you with two simple words? Exquisite.-

-You are the worst, Jen. You destroyed Steve, ruined what you had with Thomas. Pity you couldn’t be as good a person as him. You certainly didn’t deserve to be treated as well as he treated you.-

I dug fingers into my palms until it felt as if the divots would run red, teeth grinding on teeth as I let my demons run wild while I clung to those words.

“You made a mistake. We all make fucking mistakes...”

Tomorrow I had to be back to work. I had to return to my job. Start back at a square one I hadn’t been at since Ben. I let guilt and self-loathing have this day. I knew there would be others. But I took solace in one thing. I hadn’t lied to Thomas. I’d told him the truth. And if there was anything that I was determined I would do from here on out, it was that.

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