Page 81 of Submissive Lies

“But that person is not me.”

The room was silent. Neither of us moved. Finally, Thomas shook his head.

“I could never be that person for you. Never. It’s just not who I am, Jen. That… those… things are just not a part of me. And unlike you I’m not willing to lie and claim it’s someone I could become.”

“Ouch. Touché.” I sniffled, wiping the tissue across my nose.

“Well, it’s not like you don’t deserve it. And it’s a lesson that bears driving home.” He gave me a sardonic grin. “Right?”

“Again, touché.” I smiled weakly and looked away.

“Here’s the shitty thing, Jen,” Thomas’ voice was harsh again. For a while we’d been speaking to each other calmly. Evenly. Civilly. Without the underlying river of anger from each of us that had been there at the start. But now Thomas’ demeanor had shifted back. His voice was resentful. Incensed. Not the angriest that I’d heard all morning, but close. He stabbed a finger at me. “It’s not that you lied to me…”

“But—”

“Stop!” He cut me off, his tone a single step from a shout. My eyes went wide, a tiny shiver shooting up my spine. “Be quiet while I finish.”

“Yes, sir,” I whispered.

“It’s not that you lied to me. As a lawyer, I get lied to all the time. Believe it or not, I’m pretty good at recognizing it.” He paused for a moment, staring at me pointedly. “The shitty thing is that you lied to yourself. Whatever fucking made you think doing what you did was a good idea, whatever made you think you could reinvent yourself into something you aren’t, and that somehow that person would be a better person than who you truly are… It was bullshit, Jen. It was fucking bullshit. Because the person you are is good. I may have been smitten by the fake you that you created, but I know as God is my witness the person I fell in love with was the real you. The one you lied to yourself thinking you needed to hide to be whole again.”

I sobbed.

“I’ll probably never fully understand why you did something so incredibly fucking stupid. But I’ll get over it in time. I just hope to God you never do it again. To anyone. But most importantly, to yourself.”

I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t choke out words. Chest heaving, I did nothing but sit and stare at him through a veil of tears. Thomas didn’t move. He didn’t attempt to come over and comfort me. To console me. He simply sat and watched in silence as my heart shattered into a million pieces.

“God, you must hate me.” I crumpled the tissues between my fingers, feeling them ball into a sodden knot.

“Not in the slightest.” He sighed. “I am angry as hell with you, but I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted to.”

“You should.” The words came out a soft, ragged whisper. “You should despise me. I’m a terrible, horrible person.”

“You know what, Jen?” I could feel his teeth gritted in the bite of his tone. “That is not for you to say. You have no right to deny me my feelings, okay? You don’t get to dictate to me how I should react, or feel, just so it will make things easier on you.”

-Oh, this guy is good. He can see right into you. He’s cutting right through your self-serving bullshit. I like him.-

“And I’m going to tell you something else. Don’t come at me again with that ‘I’m a terrible, horrible person’ bullshit. You’re not. You made a mistake. We all make fucking mistakes in our lives. I’ve made plenty of them. I did not fall in love with a ‘terrible, horrible person.’ And if you want to spout that crap about yourself, you keep it inside around me, okay? Because I like the person you are. The real you. And as mad as I am right now, you keep that shit up and you’ll really see me get angry.”

-Oh, yes. I like this guy a lot!-

“Oh, I remember that.” Thomas smiled, looking down the couch at me. “I stood there and watched you and thought ‘Whoa. This woman is hot as hell. I hope her husband doesn’t work here or I’m going to be in deep shit.’”

I laughed. “My… husband?”

“Hey! I couldn’t tell if you had a ring on it. It wasn’t until we were at lunch that I saw you weren’t wearing a wedding band. Even then, I figured you had a boyfriend.”

“You figured.” I shook my head.

“Jennifer,” his voice went serious, “there was no way I would have believed someone as intelligent and beautiful as you wasn’t taken.”

I blushed, looking away from him.

Please. Please don’t be this way. Be a bastard. Uncaring. Self-absorbed. Anything but the good man you are.

“Those are the sorts of things I find pleasurable.” I kept my head down. I’d slept with Thomas for six months, and yet with this I couldn’t look him in the eye. Couldn’t stop the heat that climbed into my cheeks.

“That’s what you meant that night. Wasn’t it?”

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