Page 76 of Submissive Lies

-Oh my fucking God. Are you kidding me?-

I tossed the empty basket on the floor, went and looked in the fridge. I cobbled something together from what I had, making as decent a lunch as I could.

“Here.” I handed the bowl of salad to Thomas.

“Oh. Thanks.” He took it absently, began eating.

‘Oh, thanks?’ That’s it? That’s it! You motherfucking DICK!

I sat in the chair across from the couch, doing my best not to show my fuming. He was pretending to focus on his laptop, doing the lawyer bit to the hilt. Calm, cool, collected and not giving a hint that there was anything he wanted to discuss. I had to give him credit. He was good. But I was better. He wanted to play games? Oh, I could fucking play games too.

-Oh, Jesus. Are you serious, Jen? That’s what this all about now? All this bullshit just so you can one-up the man you’re supposed to be breaking up with? What the hell is it with you?-

I didn’t start this. He did.

-I swear to God. Are you twelve or something?-

The rest of the afternoon we barely spoke five words to each other. Thomas moved only to get up and put his empty bowl in the sink and get another bottle of water.

“You want one?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks.”

I sat across from him with my own laptop balanced in my lap, pretending to look at e-mails and catch up on work stuff. What I spent most of my time doing was arguing with myself.

-Let me help you. ‘Thomas, we need to talk. Our relationship was based on a foundation of lies I created, and now it’s over. I wish you the best. Get the fuck out.’-

Go to hell. I am not saying that.

-Okay, fine. I don’t give a fuck what you say, but say something, goddammit! Or… wait a minute. Hold on here. Or just admit you are going to flake out and give in and just let this ride because you’re too weak to do what’s right.-

Fuck. Off. Go. To. Hell.

The afternoon became the evening, and finally Thomas got up, stretching.

“Chinese for dinner?”

“Umm… sure. Sounds good.”

He went to the kitchen, pulled the menu of our favorite place off the fridge. I listened as he called, placed the order, and then hung up. He sat back down and looked over at me.

Holy fuck. Finally. Here it comes.

“Did you want to watch a movie tonight?”

My eye twitched.

What? Are you fucking kidding me?

“Umm, honestly, I think I might go to bed early. I’m kinda of tired after the show and the trip.”

“Oh. Okay. I understand.”

You understand? You understand? Oh, I bet you fucking understand. Well guess what, fucker! I’m not giving in first!

I was as irrational as I could be. Even I recognized that what I was doing was childish, and wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself. The part of me that exerted the most control right now was the part that told me in no uncertain terms that I would not cave. I would not be the first to broach the subject that hung between us. Thomas had started this by refusing to take my calls or answer my texts. Now it would be him that had to finish it. To speak up first.

And then I would tell him we were done.

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