Page 70 of Submissive Lies

SEVENTEEN

I panicked.

I panicked, but I kept my exterior under control, maintained my professional demeanor as best I could. I walked back to the reception desk, head swiveling left and right to catch any sight of him. I got to the desk, and braced my hands on the counter, doing everything I could to calm myself. I kept looking around the booth, through all the salespeople that were now moving about, hoping against hope to catch sight of him. Had he walked out? Off the job? Not that I would have blamed him, but it seemed inconsistent with the way he’d conducted himself up to now, the fucked-up nature of current circumstances notwithstanding. I was close to convincing myself that he had when I caught movement coming around the corner of the tower structure. It was Steve and Keith walking together, talking. I stared at Steve, willing him with every ounce of my being to look my way. I just wanted him to take notice and come to the desk. Alone.

After a moment, the two of them stopped, and then Steve looked my way. Our eyes locked for a second, and then he turned away, saying something to Keith. I did not take my eyes off him, could not. I needed him to come here. So I could ask him to give me one minute. Not to explain myself, but to beg for the time to do so later. There was too much I needed to say, too much I needed to pour out to him than I could in a minute, and there would be no time for it right now. It was impossible. I watched as he finished with Keith, and then he looked my way again. As he began moving towards me, I felt relief wash through me. Oh, God. Oh, thank God. He’s coming over to talk. He’ll listen. Of course he will. He has to.

He has to.

Steve walked up to where I stood at the counter. His face was a mask of cold stoicism, eyes boring into mine. That look cut me worse than any knife could. He stopped and stared at me, wordless. I tried to say something, opened my mouth to speak, but nothing would come.

“Is there anything I can do for you, Ms. Boyd?”

It was his Dom voice, and yet it wasn’t. It was deep, commanding, and yet so brutally dispassionate, so clinically professional, that I sucked in my breath to his words. He might as well have reached out and slapped me when he finished. As badly as it hurt, I could not fault him. What else did I expect him to do? We stood staring at each other, and then I lowered my eyes, desperate not to cry.

“I…” It was as far as I got. The best I could do. The only thing that would come out, and the silence that hung seemed forever before he gave a contemptuous sigh.

“If you have nothing you need, I am going to go back to work, Ms. Boyd. Do you understand me?” He snapped the words out harshly, and if anyone had been close by to hear them I’m sure eyebrows would have been raised. However, it was just the two of us, and though no word he’d spoke was itself untoward, the barely concealed anger and disdain in his tone pierced me.

“I…” I tried to speak up, but the words caught like burrs in my throat. “I just wanted… need to…” I trailed off as someone approached. It was Tracy, the salesperson from last night. I stopped, turning to look at her.

“Umm… sorry, don’t mean to interrupt, but Sam has a question regarding the presentation scheduling…” The young woman smiled at us both, unaware of what was going on. I started to tell her I’d be with her in a moment, but it was too late. Before I could open my mouth, Steve turned and walked away without a word.

In my mind, I ran after him. I ignored Tracy, Samantha, all of them and pursued Steve. I caught up to him, grabbed his arm, moved in front of him until I could look up into his face.

“I need to talk to you, Steve! I can’t do it right now, please understand. But… please… please, give me ten minutes of your time. Just tell me when, and where, and I’ll be there. Sir.”

That’s what I wish I'd done. But I didn’t. Instead, I stood motionless as he strode away.

I followed Tracy over to where Samantha and Andrew stood in front of the presentation stage. I spent the next twenty minutes reviewing the scheduling with them. I know I was saying the right words, but my mind was in a different place. By the time we’d finished, and I had walked back to the reception counter, there was no trace of Steve. I stood there, trying to gather my thoughts into something cohesive, less panicked. On the surface, I hoped I was behaving professionally, because inside I was not. I was body bag material. Emotionally blown apart, pieces everywhere, and no idea if I could put them back together into anything remotely whole. Leaning back against the counter, I scanned the booth, hoping to catch sight of him. I just needed to corner him, give me a minute that even with all his suppressed anger and rage I’d have a chance to finish what I wanted to say. An impassioned plea that he had every right to ignore. Aside from a few co-workers coming up to ask questions, I stewed alone with thoughts that grew increasingly desperate. There was still no sign of him by the time the announcement came over the convention center loudspeakers that the show would open in ten minutes.

I moved from the counter, heading through the booth. I finally caught sight of Keith loading a cabinet with literature. I took a breath, did everything I could to make it so my voice would not sound as desperate as I felt as I walked up to him.

“Keith, have you seen Steve?”

He looked up at me. “Oh, he’s gone, Ms. Boyd. He said that he needed to take care of some paperwork and that if I needed him to just give a call over the radio. Did you want me to get him back here?”

I went numb with despair. I shook my head no. “Thank you, Keith. It’s fine.”

“If you need anything, just let me know. I’m going to head out too once the show opens.”

I nodded, and then turned and walked slowly across the booth, back to the reception counter.

I felt so hollow inside. Both numb and helpless in this situation at the same time. I wish I’d exhibited the strength of character that I so prided myself in. Marched myself out of the booth, tracked Steve down, and at a bare minimum apologized for what I had done. But I didn’t. I stood there, rooted in the same spot at the reception counter I’d been at all morning. As the show opened I put my game face on, smiled, and made all the right noises while everything else inside me went over the edge and into an endless black hole. I did my fucking job, and by every metric I could take stock of, I did it with my usual thoroughness and acumen.

Yay fucking me.

Throughout the morning, I kept seeing Steve’s face in my head. That cold look he’d cast at me just before he turned and walked away. I analyzed it from every angle in my mind, and I came up with a hundred different thoughts on what he’d been thinking about me. None of them good. How could I think anything other than that? Steve had caught me out in my lie. And it was the worst possible lie he could have discovered. Not ‘Oh, yeah, I’m actually 42 not 32…’ or ‘Yeah, not really a fan of being spanked; I faked that just to make you happy.’

No, I went for the mother of all lies.

‘I’m still technically in a relationship, and I just cheated on my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. With you.’

I knew by Steve’s look and demeanor just how much that had affected him. Hurt him. Angered him. The worst thing, though, was what I didn’t know. Just how horrible of a person he thought I was. Whether he truly hated me now. If he would ever give me a chance to apologize and try to explain. He owed me answers to none of those. He owed me nothing. But the desperate part of me wanted the chance. Wanted those few minutes I should have run after him earlier and asked for. It was selfish, but I clung to the idea that if I could just explain things to him, tell him the terrible choices I had made, that somehow I might soften that look from the icy disgust I was convinced I’d seen to maybe just mild repugnance. I would take that as a victory, right now.

At lunch I made my way to the service desk for the I&D company. I looked for Steve, but there was no sign of him when I got there. I forced myself to go up to the desk and speak to the two women behind it.

“Is Steve around by any chance?”

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