Page 11 of Submissive Lies

Part of my job in handling our trade show presence was FDA compliance. Ultimately, what that boiled down to was making sure the FDA didn’t think we were trying to sell snake oil to an unsuspecting public. I didn’t write the copy for our marketing materials, but I was the lucky soul who had to run each submission past our lawyers and get them to approve it before we sent it along.

Thomas Kiernan was a new lawyer at our corporation, one who had come over from the purchased company after the merger. His specialty was compliance, and within our corporate structure he was now low man on the totem pole. Not quite at the bottom, but close enough that for FDA marketing compliance—as opposed to the sexier drug compliance—he drew the short straw. When told to forward all the materials requiring review to a lawyer whom I had never worked with before, I prepared myself for a long, ugly slog.

But that didn’t happen.

I sent him a review request along with all the associated materials. In response, I received a single two-word reply:

Thank you.

Then he went radio silent. I did not hear a peep out of him for several days. What I had prepared for was pushback of the kind I was familiar with from our lawyers. Requests demanding further details, clarification of the procedures required for these types of submissions, and the dreaded meetings. Multiple unnecessary, repetitious, frustrating meetings. As the days passed, the silence from Thomas started to make me nervous. By day three, I was sufficiently rattled enough that I decided I had to know if he was outright ignoring the matter or being passive aggressive and waiting for me to make the first move.

So I did.

At least that was the plan. Before I could finish typing my e-mail, I received one from him. In it, he provided an index of all the files he had reviewed, a link to copies where he had made amendments and revisions, and a concise outline of where he expected there to be rejections. Along with this he provided suggestions on how we could handle those should they occur. In short, it was as complete and thorough a review as I could have hoped for.

I was stunned. And intrigued.

I wrote him back, thanking him for the exemplary job, saying I was both grateful and impressed; some of our own corporate lawyers could take lessons from him. I ended it by asking if he would have some time to go over everything in detail, given that I wasn’t as familiar with their product line as he was. I wanted to make sure I had at least a basic idea of what they might ask me to explain.

Thomas: Lunch? Thur. good?

Me: Sure! Sounds great!

I went to Loren immediately.

“What do you know about Thomas Kiernan?”

She gave me a blank stare, voice tinged with confusion. “Who?”

“Thomas Kiernan. In Legal. He’s one of the lawyers who came over during the merger.”

“Hmm. I think I might have met him once? I dunno, honestly. There’ve been so many new people coming in that I’ve had a tough time keeping track of all of them. Why?”

“Well… he did the entire compliance package for the AACN show in three days, no questions, no pushback, nothing. I submitted the files, he reviewed them, then he sent back a packet that is so thorough it makes our guys look like kindergartners. I think I’m in love.”

“Oh, really?” Loren grinned, an eyebrow arching upwards.

“And he just asked me to lunch to go over all of it.”

“Oh. Really?” Loren’s eyebrow shot up another degree. This time she said it in a suggestive tone that I did not want or need.

“Oh, God. Don’t even.” I rolled my eyes, letting a sigh emphasize my annoyance.

“Hey, just saying. Lawyer, smart, competent at his job…” She wiggled her eyebrows salaciously, eyes twinkling.

“Umm… probably married, or in a relationship, or not my type.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Okay, Loren, thanks for all your help.” I waved at her over my shoulder as I slipped away. “Buh-bye!”

Her laughter followed me all the way back to my office.

This Thomas Kiernan was intriguing, but not in the way that Loren was suggesting. Well, okay, maybe he was a tiny bit, but that was it. Even with the pangs of loneliness increasing daily, I still wasn’t ready to cast my line and start fishing. I’d be lying, however, if I said that there weren’t a few occasions when the thought of ‘Wouldn’t it be interesting if…’ crossed my mind. The mind can be tricksy like that when you’re lonely.

Thursday afternoon rolled around. I’d been trying to catch a glimpse of Mystery Lawyer when he showed up, but as luck would have it, I was on a phone call when he eventually arrived. Engrossed in the paperwork I was discussing with a vendor, I didn’t notice him as he stood in the hallway outside my door. He was the one who got the drop on me, standing there watching me for a good five minutes while I argued over the phone. It was only towards the end of the call that I glanced up and saw him there.

Oh! Oh, okay. Not bad. A little taller than me. Blond, curly hair. Hmm… kinda an upscale SoCal surfer vibe. Obviously takes care of himself. Pleasant, if somewhat bland face.

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