Page 1 of Submissive Lies

ONE

I could see the beginning of the end the night Thomas tried to ‘fuck me hard.’

Not all problems couples face start with sex. There’s money, careers, who’s responsible for cleaning out the cat litter box… a ton of reasons that can be the catalyst for relationship troubles. The issues Thomas and I were facing… they started with sex. It was as simple as that. The complication in our case was that only one of us knew it. I knew there was a problem. I knew I had a problem. Thomas? All Thomas knew was that something was bothering me. He just didn’t know what it was.

Yet.

‘Hard’ wasn’t the way we normally had sex. Not the way we’d ever had sex. And the morning prior to Thomas trying to fuck me hard the sex had been anything but that. That morning we’d made love. Sweet, gentle lovemaking no different from what we’d had in the six months we’d been together.

Normal sex. ‘Vanilla’ sex.

Boring sex.

Ugh.

That morning, as I laid there nestled into him, the thoughts running through my head were at complete odds with where I was. I could have—should have—been doing so many things right then. Things that in previous weeks would have come naturally to me. Now, as I stretched out watching him in silence, my eyes taking in the angles of his chest, the whorls of hair, I couldn’t focus on any of them. Instead I was bathing in self-doubt. That was the problem. In my current state of mind, my thoughts weren’t centered in the same place they’d been in the past. Where they should be. Focused on the good, sweet, ‘oh this feels so nice’ kind you’d expect. No, instead, my thoughts were fixated yet again on the one thing that had been worrying at me for weeks now. Another repetition of an internal dialogue that had begun as whispers but had grown to shouts. One that had started the moment I realized the enormity of the mistake I had made.

This morning though, something inside me clicked. As I lay there, his fingers stroking my hair, I decided there would never be a perfect moment for the conversation I needed to have with him. So I did what seemed reasonable. Blurted out the perfect opening line.

“Thomas, can we talk?”

His hand stopped mid-stroke. The room froze, and when he eventually responded, it was with the tone of voice I expected—cautious, edged with tension.

“Of course.” Thomas pushed himself up onto an elbow, looking down at me.

I adjusted myself, gazing up into his face. His brow furrowed slightly, the warm smile fading into a tightening around the corners of his eyes that signaled ‘Serious Thomas’ mode. I was well aware he knew something was going on with me. He’d asked about it often enough in the last couple of weeks. The look he was giving me now telegraphed he was steeling himself for whatever bomb I was about to drop.

“It’s nothing bad, I swear. It’s probably not what you’re thinking!”

Even though I saw a bit of tension release from around his eyes, Thomas—ever the lawyer—remained wary. “Good to know… So, what do you want to talk about?”

I sighed. “I haven’t really told you much about my past relationships, have I?”

“No.” He drew the word out, his voice cautious. “Is there something you need to tell me that I should be concerned about?”

His response puzzled me, and I wasn’t sure why. I repeated what I’d just said in my head. And realized with horror how he may have perceived it.

“Fuck!” I made a frantic waving motion with my hand. “Okay, okay, okay, I need to make one thing clear. This isn’t a conversation about STDs or anything like that, okay?”

“Okay. Jen.” His shoulders relaxed in another small increment as he gave me a wry chuckle. “Just for future reference, though, you might want to think of another way of starting a conversation right after we’ve had sex other than ‘Can we talk?’ followed by ‘Have I ever told you about my past lovers?’”

“Ugh.” I slumped back, groaning. “This is getting all twisted around…”

He laughed and then bent down, kissing the top of my head. “It’s fine. Just tell me what this is about.”

“In my past relationships, I…” I paused, letting out a small sigh. “Well, there have been certain things about them that were… well, aspects of them that have included… umm…” I wasn’t sure exactly how to approach this. This was not a conversation I’d thought I’d ever have with him, and coupled with the fact that the discussion had already gotten off to an awkward start, I was losing my resolve. However, Thomas was patient, waiting for me to continue.

“Certain”—I picked up where I had stopped— “… certain, uh, what people might call… kinky things.” I looked up at him, hopeful, expectant. His expression change from mild uncertainty to one of bemusement.

“Kinky things?”

“Yeah, you know, kinky… sexual things.”

“Okay.” Thomas frowned, his brows knitting together. He was deep in lawyer mode, and I could see his brain attacking this. “Are we talking about things like the toys in your drawer?” He made a slight motion towards the nightstand on my side of the bed.

“Well…” I pursed my lips together, taking a deep breath, trying not to let my frustration show. “Those could be considered part of it, I suppose. But what I’m referring to are things that would be a little more… pronounced than that.”

“Okay. Help me out, Jen.” Thomas’ voice was sober in a way he got at times. “How pronounced are we talking about here? Spanking? Dirty talk? Stuff like that?”

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