Page 112 of Bad Love

I take off through the waves, cutting through the water on a mission. My hearthammers.

"Logan!" she calls from behind me. I swim back to her in record time, carving through thewater.

"My snorkel got water in it. I took it off to clean it but dropped it, and the current swept it away too fast. I’m so sorry. I’ll buy you anotherone."

But I barely hear her words because I'm stroking the sides of her face. "You'reokay."

"I'm fine." The surprise fades from her eyes, replaced byconcern.

I lead the way back to the boat, wait for her to go first, then I haul myself up the ladder. The towel I hand her isignored.

"You're white. Logan, what’swrong?"

“Nothing.” I drop onto one of the seats, dripping on the leather as she cups my face, crouching next to me. “Losing sight of you reminded me of something that happened a long timeago.”

“Tell me.” Her voice is soft butsure.

I try to resist it. It’s not something I talk about withanyone.

But the look on her face is steely, and Irelent.

"Summer after junior year of college, Monty and I dove this wreck. TheAndrea Doria. It was all we talked about.” I shift back, sticking my legs out in front of me as I catch my breath. “The wreck's two hundred feet down, but that's not why it's dangerous. It's because the ship crumbles around you. You get in there, and you're trapped. You so much as touch the walls, it'll kick up a cloud of dust that leaves you disoriented. You can't find your wayout.

"I was supposed to look out for him. Monty was further into the galley than me. But I wanted to find something to bring back. A memento.” I remember the kick of adrenaline in my blood as I saw the corridor of staterooms just begging to be explored. “I got distracted, reckless, and didn’t pay enough attention. I got into a space that was too small and hit the edge with my tank against the rottingcupboards.”

My throat works as I try to find the words, and Kendall's face contorts as she picturesit.

“It was like a sandstorm. I couldn’t see anything. I searched for Monty for as long as I could, but it was like searching in ablackout.

“By the time we got him up, he was unconscious. I spent ten minutes staring at my best friend, thinking he was dead, and it was my fuckingfault.”

A tear runs down Kendall's cheek. "Logan, I'm so sorry. But you knew it was dangerous. Both ofyou."

“He was my responsibility,” I insist. “He’s always had my back, and I let him down. And it’s not the first time.” But after that, I knew I couldn’t take that chance with something precious tome.

“Is that why you left the country after college?” sheasks.

“Nah.” Was it though? I can’t quite remember. When my grandmother approached me about working at Hunter’s Cross, it brought up all those feelings of panic and dread. It seemed like everything pointed to getting the hell out of here. “Maybe alittle.”

Up until that dive, Monty was my best friend, but I always envied him. Some part of me wished I could function like he did. Ace every test without studying, though of course he studied anyway because that’s the kind of guy he is. Be the head of student council. I worked at Hunter’s Cross one summer, slinging product, and got him to join me because, hell, why not? He was the one who wanted to know what happened in the offices, and he was good atit.

When the then-head of production gave me jobs, I couldn’t fuck them up fast enough. Sent orders to a different purchaser. Bought the wrong parts for the machinery. And then there was Monty. He could do nowrong.

My grandmother never saw it. I did anything I could to hide my mistakes from her. But I made sure she saw Monty do well. Because he deservedthat.

"It's not your fault.” Kendall’s fierce words and fiercer expression bring me back. “You know that. And I just met Monty, but I can tell he’d do anything for you. And I know you’d do anything forhim.

“We can't argue with the past. All we can do is try to ensure that what happened helped us. Helped us feel, or grow, or care, or be better than we were. Because if all we do is use a mistake as an excuse to hurt ourselves, then we've made nothing good from what we've beengiven."

I turn over her words as I drip on the deck and relive the biggest fuckup of mylife.

I'm not sure I can believeKendall.

But for the first time ever, I wantto.

23

Rena pounceson me in the kitchen when I get into work Wednesdaymorning.

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