Page 10 of Avoidance

I walked downstairs with a smile still on my face, though it diminished when I saw Beverly and Chase’s red eyes as they sat across from each other at the dining room table.

“Should I give you guys some more time?” I asked, wearily stepping towards the table.

“No,” Chase replied. “I’m going to take a shower and let you guys talk.”

I took the chair Chase had already warmed, looking across the table at a tired and worn out Beverly.

“Chase told me your mother paid you a visit.”

I shifted my gaze. “She’s gone now. I made her leave.”

“I’m worried that you’ll regret that decision one day.”

“I won’t. It’s better with her out of my life.”

“I know you don’t want her in your life, and that’s fine. I completely understand. I wouldn’t want somebody like that in my life either… but I feel like a small part of you will always wonder. If you sat down with her and gave her a chance to explain, maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive her over time.”

I raised my eyebrows. “You want me to forgive her? How on earth could I do that after what happened?”

She reached across the table and covered my hand with hers. “It’s not easy. I don’t want you going throughout your life holding this burden of hatred inside. Maybe you would feel better if you heard her side of things. Then, you could let her hear yours.”

“Oh, I think she heard me loud and clear yesterday.”

“Didn’t you forgive your father for what he did?” she asked gently.

“That was different. He was suffering, because of her.”

“Maybe she was suffering, too.”

I shook my head. “I can’t do that. I can’t forgive her for what she did to us.”

“Do you feel that if you forgive her, you’re not doing right by your father? Do you feel like he would be mad about it?”

“He would have forgiven her. He loved her more than anything. He would have taken her back in a heartbeat.”

“Didn’t you love her, too?”

I looked down at my lap. “I did.”

“Aren’t you supposed to forgive the people you love? The ones who are closest to you are often the ones who hurt you the most. People make mistakes in life – huge mistakes. Do you think I would stop loving any one of my children just because they made a mistake, no matter how big the mistake might be?”

“I don’t know, Beverly. I don’t know if I have it in me to do something like that. I can’t even think about her without burning up with rage.”

“When I look at you, I see a beautiful, smart, fierce young woman with so much love in her heart to give. You have been hurt so badly, and you lock that love away because you’re too afraid to give anyone the power to do that to you again. It’s self-preservation, and I get it; but life is too short to pack your feelings into a box and ship it out to sea. You think that hating her and shutting your emotions off makes you strong, but there is no greater strength than forgiveness. If you can find a way to forgive her, you will release all of that anger. You will finally be able to let go of all the pain. That’s what this is all about. Learning how to forgive.”

“So you’re the one Chase gets his insightfulness from.” I swiped a tear off my cheek.

Beverly smiled. “I’d like to think so.”

“I’m going to miss you when we leave,” I admitted. “You’re an amazing mother.”

“You will be the same with your own kids someday.”

“Are you going to be alright here? You can tell me the truth. I won’t tell Chase.”

She sighed. “I know we will be fine. I’ve got one hell of an angel on my side.”

I smiled as more tears poured out. “I miss Tim.”

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