Page 84 of Avoidance

“Please, I know what you’re thinking.” He began to scramble, sensing what I was about to say. “That won’t help me.”

“I’m a mess, Chase.” I laughed once. “I’m a mess, and you’re the Golden Boy. I am trying to get my act together here, I really am… but the truth of the matter is: you deserve so much better than this. You deserve someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

“You love me, Merritt. You love me, and I love you. You’re everything I need.”

“I’m not. I wish I was.”

“Chase! Let’s go, man! We’re on!” I heard someone shout from his side of the phone.

“I’ll be right there. Just give me a minute,” Chase shouted back. “Merritt, listen. I have to go right now, but I am going to call you the second I step foot off that stage. Please say you will answer. Please say we can work this out. I’m sorry I was so short with you today. I truly am. I’m just under so much stress, I’m tired all the time, and I hate being away from you. It won’t happen again. That girl in those pictures Shelly sent you is just a girl. She’s a fan of the band, and she asked for a picture. I don’t even know her name. You have to believe me.”

“I do believe you.” I squeezed my eyes shut, mustering up the last few ounces of strength that I had left. I knew this would hurt him, but it would be better for him in the long run. “I have to let you go. I have to say goodbye.”

“You’re just letting me go perform, and then I’ll call you back. Right?”

“No, Chase. I’m letting you go. You deserve better than me. You deserve to be happy.”

“You make me happy!” His voice was strained, desperate to change my mind.

“I love you so much. I’m sorry… for everything.” I ended the call, shut my phone, and stared at the blank screen. I had just walked away from the love of my life.

Chapter Fourteen

Down the Rabbit Hole

Idid not sleep at all. I kept my phone off, knowing I wouldn’t have the heart to ignore Chase’s calls once he finished performing. I went through alternating hours of heartache and acceptance. It killed me to break up with him, especially right before he went on stage. Despite how much it hurt, I felt in my heart that I was doing the best thing for him. He would see it, eventually.

I had a full day at work ahead of me, and still had not done T.J.’s homework. I had to find a way to push the pain from the forefront of my mind and get out of bed. I knew I had to make the dreaded call to Claire before I saw T.J. Reluctantly, I turned on my phone, and tried to ignore the multiple alerts from Chase that came through.

I stared at Claire’s number on my phone and listened to the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. My thumb hovered over the call button as I thought about each scenario that could happen when I called her. I thought about why I was here – how I got here; I had left the person I loved on the other side of the country in order to undo the giant knot I had entangled myself in. Perhaps, the sooner I hashed things out with my mother, the sooner I could move past all of the hurt and resentment I had built up inside. Maybe I could even turn myself into someone that Chase would deserve. My thumb hit the button, and I held my breath while I listened to the ringing. It rang, and rang, and I was just about to hang up when I heard the ringing stop.

“Hello?”

“Uh, yeah. Is this Claire?”

“Merritt?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t think you would call.”

“I didn’t want to, but… I’m doing this for myself. Not for you.”

“I’m sorry. I just… I really need to talk to you. I’m not okay with the way we left things.”

I chuckled. “The way we left things? Do you mean when I told you to go away, or when you disappeared for eight years?”

There was a pause on the other side of the phone. “I heard you’re not in New York anymore. Is that true?”

“I wasn’t. I’m back now.”

“Oh, that’s good news.”

“Yeah, it’s great,” I said flatly.

“Do you think we could meet? I would really like to sit down with you, face to face.”

“That’s funny. You could have seen my face every day for the last eight years, but you chose not to. Why all of a sudden?”

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