Page 95 of Indigo

I head down the hallway, grab my keys and headphones from the dining table, and take a deep breath before marching toward the front door, determined to push on.

“Indie,” Pax calls, only a few steps behind me.

I pause, my hand on the doorknob. His chest warms my back, and he places a soft kiss on the top of my head, lingering there for a moment before stepping back. “You call me if you need me, yeah? I’ll be right here.”

The worry in his voice makes me turn and face him.

“I promise I will call if I need you, sweetie. But I’m really okay,” I say, giving him my best smile.

Even though it’s still slightly forced, it doesn’t feel totally unnatural to do now.

He nods, still totally unconvinced, but I’ve done what I can, so I quickly lean forward, stand on my toes again, and kiss his cheek, letting his facial hair tickle my chin. “I love you,” I whisper, meaning every word more than he’ll ever know.

His shoulders relax a little, and he lets out a small sigh. “I love you, Blue.”

???

You can do this. Open the door. No one’s going to say anything.

Sheer determination forces me to enter the diner, making the bell above the door ring.

As I knew they would, everyone stares at me, all with looks of concern and sympathy, but it still irks me.

“Two coffees, my love,” Mrs Neils calls out, and I realise she’s speaking to me when I look up and see her holding out two takeaway cups in my direction.

“I, uh?” I mumble, unsure how she knew I was coming.

She winks, and takes a step forward so that she’s within reaching distance, and when I take the cups from her hand, she leans in, winks, and whispers, “Pax called ahead. You say hello to her for me, won’t you?”

I smile, a genuine smile, both from her words, and Pax taking care of me in his own little way yet again, but at the same time my eyes begin to burn with unshed tears.

I nod at her, and she gives me a knowing look before ushering me out the door and sending me on my way.

As the cool air hits my face, I take a deep breath and let the ocean breeze calm me as it always has before.

It doesn’t feel the same now. The smell leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but I’m hoping today is the first step toward getting back to my overwhelming adoration of the sea.

I place the takeaway cups down by my feet after shifting out of the way of the door, plug my earphones in and press play on my ‘For Mum’ playlist.

As “Supermarket Flowers” by Ed Sheeran begins, I choke out a teary laugh, and realise that Pax may have been right. Maybe I’m not ready, but I’m here now and I’m not a quitter.

I’m doing this.

Picking up the cups, I push on, and I walk. I walk the same path she took every morning. I pass the scenery she loved. I walk in her footsteps, and I let the music talk while my throat constricts.

I take deep, calming breaths, and I feel it. I feel everything I need to feel. I let my tears stream down my face, and the memories of our conversations play in my mind.

I picture her face while she mocked me for being too slow. I imagine her voice while she cheered me on. I breathe in, and I swear I can smell her perfume.

I stop when I get to her bench, the bench Pax made for her, the bench she sat on every morning. I sit, place her coffee next to me, wipe my face with my free hand, and let the breeze blow the tear-soaked hair from my face.

Closing my eyes, I picture her sitting there, next to me, in her spot, and I whisper, “Hi, Mum.”

I don’t know how long I sit there, how many hours pass as I talk to her, but as the sun slowly sets, the view in front of me is breathtaking.

“I miss you,” I whimper, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around myself. “God, I miss you. I’m scared. Scared that I’ll forget what it felt like to hug you. I’m scared that one day it’ll be normal for you to not be here. How am I supposed to have all the grandkids you wanted without you here, Mum? How am I supposed to explain to them who you are? Who’s going to walk me down the aisle now? I don’t want to do this, any of this, without you.”

I hang my head, letting the tears drip onto my lap, and I’m answered with nothing but silence, and the faint sound of the waves hitting the shore.

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