Page 67 of Indigo

Worried and completely unsure why Pax would decide this early in the morning was a good time for a walk, I grab my phone from my bedside table and call him. He doesn’t answer, so I try again. No answer.

He’s okay. He’s a big boy. Maybe he just couldn’t sleep. Maybe he, too, had a nightmare.

I throw off the covers, swing my legs over the side of the bed and slip on my pink fuzzy slippers before heading to the kitchen, telling myself I’ll give him an hour before I go looking for him.

Ten minutes later, I stand, mindlessly stirring my coffee, leaning against the kitchen counter, and staring out of the open window.

Turns out it wasn’t as early as I thought, a little past 6am, and yet the sky is still dark, the clouds are blocking the sun.

A storm is coming. I can feel it, smell it in the air.

I stare down at the text message from Pax and tell myself there’s no reason to be worried anymore.

He’s fine.

PAX:I’m fine, Blue. I’ll be home soon. <3

So why do I feel like this? Why is this sick feeling in my stomach lingering? I have everything I could ever want.

My bottom lip trembles, and though I feel ridiculous for getting emotional, I let feel what I need to.

Not that long ago, I was wading through life, trying to keep my head above water. I hated who I saw in the mirror, my job, my apartment, my life. I missed my mum and the friends I’d pushed away. I hated that my clothes fit wrong and that I felt like I was wearing a costume every day, trying to please a man who didn’t even like me. Not therealme.

I hated who I’d become.

Now? Now I wake up in the morning excited to hear the birds chirping next to my window. I wake up knowing I’ll see my mum, Paisley, and everyone at Shep Auto, who welcomed me into their little world without a second thought. I wake up knowing I am where I’m supposed to be, and slowly, day by day, I feel more like the me I always wanted to be.

And I have Pax…

Taking a sip of coffee, I let the first tear fall down my cheek, and brush it away, licking the froth off my upper lip at the same time, and smile at a tiny sparrow that lands on my windowsill.

The front door opens and closes quietly, and without even needing to turn around, I know it’s Mum. I can smell the sandalwood from here.

She’s always had a weird knack for calling or showing up at the exact moment I need her most, and right now, I really need her to tell me that nothing is going to go wrong. That this feeling isn’t my intuition telling me something is coming.

I hear her footsteps heading for me and take a deep breath, trying to mask the emotion I’m sure is written all over my face, but the moment she sees me, she knows.

“It’s 6:15 in the morning, Indie-girl. What the hell happened?” she asks, rushing to me.

Her hair is wild, a mess from sleep, and she’s still in her bright yellow pyjamas. Her slippers match mine, and I laugh as I look down at them, brushing another stray tear from my cheek.

I shake my head and wipe under my eyes, giving her a genuine smile. “Nothing, nothing,” I reply. “I’m being silly.”

She furrows her brow and ducks her head to make me look her in the eye. “If it’s upset you, it’s not silly.” She watches me place my coffee on the counter and hoist myself up next to it. I cross my legs and she crosses her arms. “Right. So hit me with it. What’s wrong?”

I laugh at her serious expression and shrug while picking my mug back up. “Nothing. I told you, I’m being silly. Had this dream, and I can’t remember it, but it shook me. I have this… dread, sitting on my chest.” She furrows her brows as if trying to figure out what I’m saying, so I wave a hand between us and add, “Like I said, silly. Pax wasn’t there when I woke up. He went for a walk apparently, so maybe that’s it. I don’t know. I just came out to have some coffee, to try and shake this feeling, and I started thinking about what my life was like back in the city, and how everything has turned out. It just seems too easy, you know? Like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something horrible to happen.”

“Okay…” She pours herself a cup of coffee, lifts it to her lips and raises her brow, knowing I’ve got more to say than just that.

I jump down from the counter and begin pacing, taking my coffee in one hand as I wave the other around in front of me while I speak. “You know Pax and I don’t fight, right? We don’t. He won’t fight with me. If I get pissy, he’ll just stand there and watch me rant and rave until I’m done and then somehow, he just makes it all better, or apologises, or just… ugh. And I haven’t heard from Michael in weeks.Weeks. That scares the shit out of me, because I know if he shows up here or does something crazy, Pax will fucking lose his mind, and then he’ll run, or push me away, or something equally as infuriating.”

I can tell she’s trying not to smile, but in doing so, her lips pull into an almost smirk. “Indie,” she starts, placing her mug down beside her and hoisting herself onto the counter. “First of all, Michael has probably just lost interest. Men like that are more bark than they are bite, and you didn’t respond to any of his correspondence, therefore, he wasn’t getting the reaction he wanted, and he’s more than likely just moved on to the next poor soul that has to endure his antics.” I cringe, thinking about another woman having to be treated the way Michael did me. “As for Pax,” she continues, picking up her mug. “Sweetheart, that sounds like a normal, healthy relationship to me. Why would you want to fight? You don’t think Pax has done enough of that in his life? That man had to train himself to be calm, for God’s sake. I get that your relationship with Michael was volatile. I get that he belittled you and made you feel like crap about yourself, and you know what? Pax knows it too. So, my guess is that he’s trying extra hard to let you work your shit out without biting back, because he knows you’re still learning. Hell, he's learning too. He’s never done this either.”

I roll my eyes and take another sip of coffee, knowing she’s right. “Yeah,” I whisper around the rim of my mug.

“I think between the two of you, enough has happened in your lives. Maybe this is just the universe's way of apologising for all the pain, you know?” She smiles at me and lowers her voice. “Maybe you just get to be happy now.”

I feel my bottom lip tremble again, and place my cup back on the counter. She takes the hint and jumps down from her spot. Taking a few steps forward, I wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her neck. “I fucking missed you,” I whisper.

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