Page 2 of Indigo

But then, whenIturned eighteen, our friendship changed.

Slowly, silently, we became more.

We may have never said the words to each other or shared a kiss, but every time he throws his arm around me or pulls me into his chest when I’ve had a rough day, it feels like my soul settles because the other half of me is close enough to touch.

The flame of the candle catches my attention as he holds it a little higher, prompting me to make a wish. I close my eyes and imagine the future we could have together if he just let me in. Let me see the sides of him I know he hides from me.

I don’t think he realises I see the truth in his eyes each and every time a new bruise or cut appears on his face and he tells me it was an accident. A football game. A clumsy mistake.

I know his dad hurts him. I’ve known it for a long time. He won’t talk to me. Not about that, and because of his secrets, slowly, over the years,myPax had become more angry, more closed off.

I thought his father going to jail after Mr Neil’s death would have helped, given him a sense of safety and peace. Instead, the incident pulled him further into that dark place he goes inside his head when he wants to shut the world out, and tonight, even though he’s close enough for me to feel the warmth of his side against mine, it feels like he’s a thousand miles away.

I take in a deep breath, purse my lips and blow, extinguishing the flame. I wish for the same thing I have since I turned sixteen.

For Pax.

“Do you want to know what I wished for?” I ask, finding the courage to meet his eyes.

He laughs nervously beside me and removes the candle from my donut before holding it out for me to take. “You’ve told me every year since you were six that if you tell me your wish, it won’t come true.”

Gulping, I rub my sweaty palms along my pink floral printed track pants and wait until his eyes meet mine. “If I don’t tell you this year, I’m scared it never will.”

He breathes deeply, closing his eyes for a moment before pinning me with a pleading expression. “Blue, don’t.” Reaching forward and slowly tucking another stray curl behind my ear, using his thumb to rub the skin along my jaw, his touch lingers as he whispers, “You leave tomorrow. We’ve only got tonight. Let’s not ruin it, yeah? It’s your birthday.”

I place my hand over his as he continues to cradle my face. “You could come with me.”

The words sound pathetic as they leave my lips. As if I’m begging him to love me, to come with me, to leave all of his sadness and pain behind, and start fresh.

I feel as though I’ve been doing just that for years now. Every time I’ve touched him. Every time I’ve asked him to stay over just a little longer, I’ve been pleading with him to let me in, to give us a chance, to see me as more than his best friend. Every time it’s met with a sad smile and a kiss on the forehead that lingers a little too long to be platonic, but not long enough to be what I need from him.

Why can’t he just admit to himself that he’s just as much mine as I am his, and that we’re not going to be okay if we’re apart? How could we be? It’s been the two of us for so long I can barely remember a time when it wasn’t.

He shakes his head sadly. “You know I can’t.”

“You can,” I snap, unsure where the sudden burst of anger comes from. “You won’t.”

I know he doesn’t want to leave his brother, but he’s twenty now, like me. He’ll be okay. My mum will still coddle him the way she has since we were kids, and he works at Shep Auto Repairs now, the mechanic that Mr Neil sold to Pax a few years back. Jagger is earning enough to support himself, surely. He doesn’t need Pax the way I do. Not anymore.

“My life is here, Blue. I have responsibilities, a business, Jagger. You know that. You’ve always known that if you left, I’d stay here.”

Feeling him slip away from me, I do the only thing I can think of. I lean forward so that my mouth is only a breath away from his, and I wait.

His eyes quickly dart to my lips and his breath hitches. I can see the trepidation on his face, and I wait patiently for him to make his decision.

“Can’t kiss you,” he murmurs, scrunching his face as if saying the words causes him physical pain. “Not again.” He runs a hand down his face, his fingers pausing on the fresh, jagged scar running from the corner of his lip right down to the tip of his chin, only slightly disguised by his thick facial hair.

“Why?” I ask, struggling to get the words to leave my mouth as my mind catches up to the fact that he’s saying no. “Please…”

“Don’t, Indie,” he wheezes, turning his head to watch the sun disappear, leaving us in darkness. “You’re just making this harder than it needs to be.”

“We could still try, you know? My degree only goes for four years. It’s only a three-hour drive from here to my new apartment. I… I love you, Pax. I know you damn well love me too, so don’t deny it. I just need you to give us a chance.”

He doesn’t move, his body frozen from my admission, and the longer the silence continues, the more dread builds inside me.

“Look at me,” I hiss, feeling tears well in my eyes.

His shoulders droop in defeat, and as he turns to me again, his beautiful hazel eyes hold so many emotions, I can’t even tell them apart.

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