Page 109 of Indigo

“Hey, can’t rush a good conversation,” he replies, beaming down at me as the sun illuminates the sky behind him, making it look like he’s glowing from where I’m standing. “Isn’t that right, baby girl?” he coo’s at our one-year-old daughter, Nicholle, as she tugs on his hair, impatiently waiting to be taken down to the sand.

Excitement shines in her hazel eyes as she looks over at the ocean in awe. She may have gotten her daddy's eyes, but she definitely got her love of the sea from me. Her blonde curls, too.

I may be biased, but she is the most adorable little human being I’ve ever seen.

“Impatient, just like your daddy, huh?” I chuckle, kissing the back of her chubby hand as she holds it out to me.

“Alright, let’s let Mumma talk to Grandma, yeah? Make some sandcastles? Dip our little toes in the water?”

Nicholle immediately perks up, and starts babbling, pointing toward the beach, and with one last kiss, Pax leaves me, and the two cups of coffee in my hands to it.

The contrast between his tanned, almost completely covered in ink skin, and Nicholle’s head to toe baby pink outfit, the outfit he put her in this morning, might I add, sure do paint a picture, and I’ll be damned if I’ve ever seen a man love his kid more than my husband does that little girl.

I knew he’d be a great daddy from the moment that pregnancy test read ‘positive’, but he has exceeded every single one of my expectations. Truly.

Hell, he’s taught me more about kids than anyone I know and has read every book written on the subject. He knew more about childbirth than I did by the time we ended up at birthing classes. The instructor looked at him like he was a piece of meat every time he answered a question no one else knew the answer to.

Susanis still on my shit list. Her, and her big, clearly fake boobs and wandering eyes.

I know I don’t have anything to worry about. Pax looks at me like I hang the fucking moon.

That, however, doesn’t excuse slutty Susan from making goo-goo eyes at him, especially while he’s attending her classes with his pregnantwife.

Feeling a little irritated just from the thought of her, I take a sip of coffee a little too fast and burn my tongue as I stand and watch until Pax and Nicholle hit the sand. He places her down, and she takes off, as I knew she would, but he’s right behind her. That girl loves the water. Baths, showers, pools, the ocean, whatever form it comes in, she’ll take it, which is adorable and terrifying at the same time.

Once they settle and begin making sand castles, I turn my attention back to the bench behind me. The bench where only a few months ago, we scattered Mum’s ashes.

I take a seat, place one coffee right next to me, and say, “Hey, Mum.”

The wind blows in my hair as I greet her, and I take it as a sign that she’s listening. “I’m sorry that it’s been a couple of weeks since we last talked. We’ve started going to the beach a little further down, closer to our place. Nicholle is always so excited to get to the sand, you know? So we don’t want to make her wait.”

I wait for a response as if I’m going to get one, and the sting from the silence that follows still hurts.

“We had to take down the cubby house you built for me, and I cried. A lot. But with Nicholle getting so big now…” The thought of the day I watched the boys tear it down makes my eyes water, so I shake my head and change the subject. “Pax came home with a new BBQ last week, and he’s been cooking on it nonstop. Honestly, I think it’s more to prove a point than anything else because I told him he’d never use it. You know how stubborn he is.”

A couple walking hand in hand, giggling to each other as they do, approach from my left, so I wait until they pass to continue, giving me a moment to get my thoughts together. I take another sip of coffee and relax my shoulders, realising how tense I am. My muscles thank me as I lean back against the wooden bench.

The sound of my girl giggling reaches my ears, even from here, and the words I’ve been wanting to say since she was born finally slide off my tongue. “You know, when you died, I was so angry with you. As irrational as that is. I couldn’t help but think, why didn’t you fight harder? How could you leave me? But now that I have Nicholle, I get it. Letting go, moving on, leaving me behind, must have been the hardest thing you ever had to do.”

I focus on Nicholle as she runs circles around Pax. “I can’t imagine not being there to see her get married, never holding her babies in my arms, and loving them the way I do her. I can’t imagine ever having to say goodbye to her, or knowing I’d never see her again.”

A tear escapes my eye as I blink. Envisioning the situation hurts my soul. “I love her so fiercely it consumes me, Mum. I know you didn’t want to leave me. I also know you sent her to me, to heal me, to show me the way you loved me, too. Thank you for that.”

I choke out a sob and place my coffee down beside hers so that I can wipe away the tears as they begin to fall more rapidly down my cheeks. “She looks like you when she turns her head a certain way and her eyes focus on mine. She has my curls. The curls I got from you.” I pause and take a deep breath. “I have no idea how to explain you to her. Why you’re not here. Why her Mummy doesn’t have her own. I don’t believe in Heaven, but the thought of you just beinggoneis inconceivable. You have to be somewhere. I canfeelyou around, and I swear to God, some nights I hear your voice, singing to my baby through the monitor.”

“Mumma, Mumma, Mumma,” Nicholle calls as Pax holds her up and she waves at me. I can’t make out her facial expression from here, but I know she’s ready for me to come and play, so I wipe away my tears, wave back, and finish the last mouthful of my coffee.

Standing, I place the cups into the bin only a few steps away and look up at the sky as a cloud blocks the light for a moment, allowing me to see a ladybug fly past my face, clear as day.

I laugh, the pain in my chest easing a little. “I miss you. I love you. I’ll come back soon, okay?”

The sound of the waves crashing gets louder for a moment, and I know it’s her responding to me. Telling me it’s okay to leave her here and go down to my daughter and my husband.

Even if having her watch over us isn’t the same as her physically being here, it’s something, and I think I can live with it now.

Removing my white slides, I let my feet sink into the sand as I make my way down to my family. Nicholle squeals when she sees me and runs at me full force. She falls twice, but that’s an improvement. I chuckle as she throws herself against my legs, wrapping her little arms around me, and I bend to pick her up.

Pax remains in his spot, his feet getting wet every time the water and ebbs and flows over the shore, watching us approach.

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