Page 141 of One Vote for Murder

“All right. I trust you, Royce.” I swallowed. “You said there was a letter?”

He nodded and pulled a small envelope from his pocket. “I read it first. I… I hope you don’t mind that. I needed to be sure he wasn’t going to say awful things to you.”

I smiled weakly. “I appreciate that.” I took the letter, my hands trembling slightly.

“I’ll shower while you read it, okay?” He kissed me gently and then moved to the master bath, but then he stopped and said softly, “You don’t have to forgive him, Max. That’s not necessary.”

I nodded, looking down at the letter. Royce went into the bathroom, closing the door. I stared at the letter for the longest time, hearing the shower start. Then with shaking fingers, I pulled the thin piece of paper from the envelope.

Dear Maxwell,

I’m going to try to explain why I did what I did. Lucinda was my world growing up. She was my baby sister. When she died, I needed someone to blame. Her death was unfair. Horrifying. I was her big brother, but I wasn’t there to save her. I was supposed to protect her, but I failed. Her death changed me profoundly. It ate at me day after day. The sheer injustice of it all gutted me.

I needed someone to blame.

That’s where you came in.

I just wanted to hear you say it was your fault. I needed to hear you say that because then there was a reason for her death. If you didn’t make a mistake, then she just died for no reason. If you didn’t make a mistake, then life was too fragile to contemplate. If a person like Lucinda could just be snuffed out for no reason, then what is the point of life?

That’s where I was mentally. I’m not saying that is okay, but that’s what was going on in my head. By focusing on you, it was almost like Lucinda was still alive. It gave me a purpose.

I’m sorry for what I did to you. I doubt you believe me. I don’t even blame you. I’m not the monster you probably think I am. I truly am sorry. I used to be a good person and I want to be that again.

I know you most likely can’t forgive me. But trust me when I say hanging on to hate and unforgiveness won’t lead you down a good road. It’s a cliché, but it’s true. Whether you ever forgive me or not, I’m still sorry for what I put you through.

River.

I read the letter five times, struggling with conflicting emotions. I was still angry at how he’d treated me. I was still furious at what had happened to me out in that desert. But his words also hit a cord in me. Whether I liked it or not, out there in that sinkhole, I’d felt something similar to what he’d felt when his sister died. There had been an overwhelming feeling of futility. If my path had simply led me to die out there in the desert, there had been such a pointless feeling to life.

I didn’t like feeling empathy for River, but I did. If Royce was suddenly snatched from me, I could see going off the deep end. I could see needing answers to the point that I’d lose my way. I could see turning into a monster, simply to feel some sort of closure.

The shower turned off, and Royce came out, steam billowing behind him. He had a towel around his narrow hips, and he gave a boyish smile as he came toward me. I found myself smiling back at him, my heart warming with affection.

I could waste more of my life hating River. That was definitely an option. But my story hadn’t ended out there in that disgusting sinkhole. Life wasn’t pointless. Life was full of joy. I was finally beginning to understand that. It had taken me a long time to grasp that fact, but now I knew it was okay to embrace happiness. It was okay to love. It was okay to be vulnerable. It was okay to not be perfect or the best at everything.

As Royce pulled me into his arms, most of my hatred toward River seemed to evaporate. Yes, love was terrifying. Life was uncertain. But wasn’t that an even better reason to grab on to the good things that came along in life?

Royce was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I wasn’t going to be afraid anymore. Whether it was having kids or getting married. Whatever Royce wanted with me, I was going to embrace it. I was going to live my life to its fullest.

I undid the towel around his waist, and it fell silently to the floor. “Oops,” I said.

Royce smiled down at me, looking a little uncertain. “I thought you wanted to go have dinner?”

“Dinner can wait.”

“Oh yeah?” His voice was husky.

“Do… do you know how much I love you, Royce?” I asked quietly.

He narrowed his eyes. “I think so?”

I swallowed. “I don’t care if I never leave Rainy Dale. That’s how much. So long as you’re mine, I’ll stay here until the day I die.”

His eyes flickered. “I am yours, Max. Forever.”

I turned him and walked him backward toward the bed. Once his legs bumped the mattress, I said breathlessly, “Then we should probably get married.”

“Wha… what?” He widened his eyes.

I smiled, feeling exhilarated. “You heard me. If you’re going to be mine forever, you should make an honest man of me, don’t you think?”

“Max,” he said hoarsely, “What has gotten into you?”

“I have no idea.” I kissed him, and he laughed against my lips. “But I think I like it.” We fell backward onto the bed, and Grumpy pounced on us, licking our faces wildly.

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