Page 8 of Fastball

I nod, opening the door and head out into the locker room.

Will nods his head as I change into my uniform and before we head onto the field, the door opens and when I see TJ walking in, heading straight for Coach’s office with that self-satisfied smirk on his face, I curse.

As the door shuts, Will comes over and leans against the wood paneling beside me. “What the fuck is he doing here?” he mutters as I shrug my shoulders.

“I have no fucking clue, but right now I just want to practice, get better so we can win some games and I’ll think about that jackass later.”

Will pats me on the shoulder as we head out into the hallway and before the door shuts, I see TJ shaking Coach’s hand.

I put it all out of my mind and try and focus, because there are way bigger things to worry about than TJ coming back.

5

Harper

“You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” he asks as I look down at the coffee mug that I know will be my lifeline today.

“I look that bad, huh?” I say, finishing off the coffee and walking around the island to pour myself another cup. Before I get there, Josh spins me around, placing his fingers under my chin and lifting it so our eyes meet.

“Hey,” he whispers softly. “I’m just worried about you. I don’t want you to do this if it causes you to lose sleep.”

I know he doesn’t want me to do this for him, but for me. A small part of me is doing this for myself, but I mostly want him to stop worrying that something will remind me of my dad and send me spiraling down.

“Josh, I’ll be fine,” I lie. Not only to Josh, but to myself. “I’m just nervous. Once I’m there, everything will be better, okay?”

He kisses my forehead and I hope I’m right. I hope that stepping foot into that building doesn’t send me into another panic attack like last time.

“I need to head out. We have a meeting today before practice.” He makes his way into the bedroom and into the bathroom.

Once I hear the door shut, I text Mel.

Me: Am I crazy to go through with this? I might be freaking out.

After a few minutes, I get a reply.

Mel: You’re not crazy, you’re just nervous. Totally normal.

None of this feels normal.

Me: What if I can’t go in?

I know that’s a real possibility and one that scares me more than the memories.

Mel: Then we go home.

Her answer is so nonchalant. As if leaving isn’t a big deal, as if failing at this wouldn’t ruin everything I’ve been working toward. I try and take some deep breaths to calm my racing heart, but it’s no use. I hear the bathroom door open and Josh steps out and into the bedroom. My phone goes off again and when I pick it up, I watch as Josh heads into his closet to get dressed.

Mel: Josh will not think less of you because you’re not ready. Trust me. That man loves you too much to care.

I know she’s right, I know I’ll be the one disappointed if I don’t go in, and somehow that’s worse than Josh thinking less of me. I want this for myself. I want to be able to enjoy the game that brought my family so much joy. The one that my dad and I shared, the one I still love to this day but is always overshadowed by a darkened figure every time I think about it.

Mel: You at Josh’s place?

I reply that I am, and she tells me that she’ll be by to help me get ready and I breathe a sigh of relief. The idea of being alone in this apartment for hours just waiting makes me want to pull every last one of my hairs from my scalp. I set my phone down and head back into the living room and sit on the couch, overthinking every aspect of what could go wrong today.

The couch dips as Josh sits beside me, his worried eyes meeting mine.

“I’m fine,” I mutter, trying to seem convincing. “I just need to get this over with before I psych myself out.”

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