Page 10 of Fastball

I like this idea. If I focus on one thing at a time instead of the big picture, I might actually get through this. My breathing starts to calm, I wipe the stray tears from my face, and for the first time in a few hours, my chest expands.

“Okay.” I put the paper bag down, following her as she gets out of the car. We start walking toward the door and that panicked feeling starts to creep its way back into my brain. But I stop myself and say over and over in my head; It’s just a door. It’s just a door. Mel knocks and a big hulking man opens the door, grinning. If he weren’t grinning, I would think he was there to murder us, but his smile changes his entire face. He’s bald and wearing the stereotypical tight black T-shirt with black pants that leave very little to the imagination.

“You must be Harper and Melissa?” he asks.

We both nod as he motions us to follow him inside.

“My name is Peter. Josh wanted me to bring you to the locker room.”

I grab Mel’s hand, squeezing… hard.

“You got this,” she whispers. “It’s just a hallway. That’s it…”

Just a hallway. We follow Peter as he leads us farther into the building. We pass piles of equipment that I know is used for stadium maintenance and piles and piles of balls and bats.

The closer we get to the locker room, the more my breathing becomes ragged and before I can ask for it, Mel’s hand is in mine, and I focus on breathing through my nose and out through my mouth. Voices can be heard farther down the hall, and I freeze, Mel squeezes my fingers slightly, reminding me she’s here and when her eyes meet mine, I know she’s silently asking me if I want to leave. I shake my head.

I need to do this.

We round a corner and I see Josh talking to one of his teammates and I let out a breath. His eyes meet mine and, in that split second, I know I made the right decision because his eyes light up. This was all worth it for that look alone. This was all worth it for that split second of happiness I just saw cross his face. Once he thanks Peter, Josh is in front of me, cradling my face in his hands while he kisses my forehead.

“You doing okay, Sunshine?” His voice is full of concern, and I know I can’t lie to him, so I just shrug. I know he can see the truth written all over my face and as I take a deep breath, I hope to God I don’t puke all over him. Again.

“She had a mild attack in the parking lot, but she’s a trooper and wanted to come in anyway.”

I shoot Mel a look and she looks back at me as if saying, What did you want me to say?

“I’m so proud of you,” he whispers in my ear.

It’s a strange feeling to have someone feel proud of you for walking through a door and down a hallway, but I guess this is what my life has become.

“I’m going to take you to the field, okay?”

I freeze the second that leaves his mouth. What happened to baby steps? I look over at Mel, panicked.

“You can do this, okay?” she says, gazing toward Josh, who is looking at me with a worried expression.

I shake my head, feeling my hands begin to shake and legs begin to tremble.

“Yes, you can. You’re stronger than this, right?”

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and picturing my dad. He’s looking at me like he did every time he brought me here. You can do this, pumpkin. His voice is clear as day in my head and my eyes pop open.

I can do this.

We slowly make our way down the hall, my hand finding Josh’s as he squeezes, bringing it up toward his lips and lightly kissing it. Having him here is everything. The sweat is beading down the back of my neck and I start shaking like a leaf when the green of the field comes into view. I stop in my tracks as my eyes focus on the one thing I never thought I would see again.

I don’t see the stands, I don’t even see the grass. All my eyes can focus on is the mound and what my dad looked like collapsing after that ball hit him. I hear nothing but my mother’s screams and that’s when my hand covers my mouth as a silent scream escapes and the tears stream down my cheeks. I can’t control this. I vaguely hear Mel and Josh ask if I’m okay.

I’m numb.

I’m numb to all sounds, numb to all feeling.

Just numb.

You can do this, pumpkin. You are stronger than your worst fears. My dad’s voice echoes through my mind, and I hope to God he’s right because right now it feels like I’m drowning in those fears with no end in sight. The longer I stand here, the more my past starts to close in on me, so I close my eyes. Before I lose myself completely, I feel two sets of hands clasp my hands and I look down to see both Josh and Mel at my side as I crawl out from my memories. My eyes meet theirs one at a time and I give their hands a squeeze, letting them know without words that I’ll be okay. As my eyes leave theirs and settle back on that field, I know what I need to do, and I hope to God I’m strong enough.

“I need to do this alone,” I say, surprised by my own voice. Yet I know I’m right. I need to do this for me, and for my dad. They both motion for me to do what I need to do, and I begin to make my way toward the field.

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