Page 22 of Hard Ball

After a few deep breaths, I turn over and see that it’s just after five in the morning. I might as well get up since I know from experience that I won’t be able to get back to sleep. I grab a pair of old boyfriend jeans and a plain white T-shirt and bring them into the bathroom. I turn on the shower, making sure the water is scalding since the heat is heaven for my mind, the steam seems to take away the memories of that dream and I relish the sense of calm that washes over me.

When the water cools, I turn it off before getting out and getting dressed. I make a point not to look myself in the mirror, knowing it won’t be a pretty sight and not caring enough to do anything about it. I hurriedly brush out my tangled wet hair and twist it into a bun at the top of my head as I head into the living room where I grab my purse and my keys as I make my way to the one place that seems to calm my nerves after a night like this.

Hard Ball is dark and empty when I arrive. Walking through the doors, my whole body relaxes and I let out a shaky breath on the way to my office. I set down my purse and keys, looking around for something to do, but I know my mind isn’t up for it. I find myself walking toward the field and head straight for the mound. My footsteps echo with each and every step I take and the second the ground changes beneath my feet, I stop, standing there for a second. Although this field is a bit smaller than the one my father saw on a regular basis, this exact spot was where he was the happiest. On a mound just like this one, is where he became one of the best pitchers of all time. This was his home away from home and where he was meant to be for the rest of his life. I sink to my knees as the tears form.

“Hey Dad…” I whisper, hoping he can hear me wherever he is.

I sit in the dirt, my finger instinctively digging out the coin I buried there after he died. It was the same coin he used to bury in this same spot before every game. He told me the coin represented the two sides of life, what you can control and what you can’t. He was never a man that believed in chance but for some reason, the symbol of the coin was his way of controlling what he couldn’t control. When he died, I decided to keep his tradition and that memory alive, even if he wasn’t.

“It’s Harper.” My voice echoes in the empty space, making my voice carry. “I dreamed of you last night, about the night you left us… the night you left me.” I take a deep breath and tilt my head toward the ceiling, as if for some reason that action could bring him closer to me. I push my fingertips through the clay and watch as it falls through my fingers. “I miss you so much. I get up every day wishing, hoping that it was some bad dream and that you’d walk through that front door. I keep waiting for you, but you never come.”

The tears fall freely now, and I let them, knowing they can’t be stopped. “Why did you have to leave? Why!” I yell, hearing the echoes as they surround me. “You were supposed to go to the doctor, you were supposed to get better, not worse. Mom can barely look at me and my life is falling apart, and I don’t know what to do…” My head falls into my hands as a sob rips through me. “I need you to tell me that everything is going to be okay…”

“Buttercup?” I jump at the sound of Henry’s voice.

I bury the coin back where it belongs as I wipe away the tears from my cheeks. I stand, expecting to see Henry’s sad eyes, but what I don’t expect are Josh’s. His eyes bore into mine and his need to touch me is palpable. I look away, knowing that if he got any closer, I’d cave in to his touch.

“Hi.” The happiness in my voice is forced and we all know it, Henry’s knowing look tells me all I need to know. Once in front of me, Henry grabs both sides of my face, noticing the puffy eyes and tear-streaked cheeks.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” His eyes are pleading and as much as I miss my father, I couldn’t ask for anyone better than Henry. He does everything for me, and I would be lost without him.

“Just a bad day.” I know that’s all I need to say for him to understand. He gets it. Josh’s head tilts to one side, probably confused by what I’m so upset about. I don’t blame him. “I just needed a moment to gather myself before we opened. I’m sorry I interrupted you guys… again.” Henry shakes his head, bringing me in close for a hug.

“You’re allowed to grieve, Harper,” he whispers. “No amount of time will make that go away.”

I lower my head, trying to stop the second wave of tears from falling.

“I come in here too sometimes, you know.”

I take a step back in shock.

“Really?” I wonder what else I don’t know.

“I talk to him sometimes too.” He tilts his head, letting me know he heard me talking to Dad. “He heard you, Buttercup. He might not respond, but he’s there listening.” He smiles, bringing me back in and wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of my head. A weight lifts off my shoulders as I take a deep breath in.

We turn at the sound of a throat clearing and Henry lets me go as we both set our eyes on Josh who is still standing by the door. “I am so sorry, Josh,” Henry says. “That was so rude of me. I totally forgot you were even here. Do you mind if we reschedule our tour?”

Josh nods and turns to leave when I stop him.

“Please don’t stop the tour because of me.”

“Harp—” Henry starts but I shake my head.

“I said no, Henry. I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl. Just let me clean up and I’ll open the front doors so you and Josh can continue to do whatever you were doing.” I dip my eyes away from both of them as I walk away as fast as I can toward the bathroom, hoping the distance will help the butterflies from forming at the sight of Josh’s sad eyes.

“Harper, wait!” Josh yells as he runs up beside me.

I ignore him, walking until his fingers lightly grasp my elbow, stopping me. A shaky breath leaves me as I turn and face him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks as the concern in his eyes starts to pierce the armor I’ve constructed around my heart.

“I’m fine. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

I see the questioning look in his eyes and I tilt my head toward the ceiling.

“Harper, please…” he pleads.

I close my eyes as Josh’s hand makes its way up my arm, over my shoulder and behind to trace the line of my jaw. A shiver makes its way through my entire body as I bask in the feeling of his fingers on my skin.

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