Page 65 of Samuel
“You know it is.” I tried to keep my voice steady. I had a lot to make up, but I’d been adamant I wanted to do better by my son, and after what had happened the day before, I thought she’d realise how serious I was.
“Okay,” she sighed. “Maybe you do want Frankie, but that isn’t dependant on you being with me. I’m not part of the deal.”
“What if I want you to be?”
Maisie’s hands flopped to her sides, dangling as though she’d been knocked out cold in her chair.
“I mean it Maisie, I want to see how things go between us. I’ve lain awake all night thinking about it and watching you in so much pain yesterday made me realise how much I care about you. I wanted to take it all away. I know it’s a lot to think about, but I actually think we’d be good together.”
“And what if we aren’t?” she protested, startled back to life by my words.
“We won’t know if we don’t try.”
“No! I can’t do that to Frankie.” Her voice was high pitched and more redness was spreading up her neck. ”Do you have any idea how it’s going to affect Frankie, when we tell him you’re his dad? Which means we can’t then force a relationship on him that might fail. Can you imagine what it would do to him to think he’s getting a family and then to find out it’s not going to happen because you decide you and me isn’t what you want.”
“I’ve changed, so don’t judge me by my past behaviour.” I let out a long, exasperated exhale. “I was a dick, I admit it, but I know now what I want. I know now that I should never have let what happened with Alison affect me in the way it did. I’ve missed eight years of my son’s life because I was a stupid, self-centered cock who acted like a victim when I should have been braver and realised what my responsibilities were. I have done so many things wrong, Maisie, the biggest being letting my son down, but the other thing I should never have done was let you go.”
“And what if I’m pregnant again?” she asked, jutting her chin forward in defiance. “What then, will you run away again?”
I had to admit, the idea was fucking terrifying and not something I was ready for, but what the hell could I say to her, except be honest about it.
“I admit it wouldn’t be ideal and probably the worst thing possible at this point, but I wouldn’t run. I wouldn’t do that to you again – I swear.”
That I did know to be the honest truth, I wouldn’t; I couldn’t.
Maisie swallowed hard and shook her head. “I can’t do it, Sam. I’ve only just ended my relationship with Josh, the man who I lived with. What sort of person would it make me if I jumped into something with you?”
“You’d be living your life and being happy, because I’d work fucking hard to make sure you were Maisie, both you and Frankie.”
The more I thought about what Maisie and I could be, the more I wanted it. I’d had a taste of it over the last couple of weeks and the night before I’d felt a shift in my feelings. Not just because I was buried inside her, feeling all the amazing sweetness and light that she had to give, but because I saw a glimpse of my future.
Me holding her.
Me giving her anything she wanted to take from me.
Me being the best man I could be for her.
I saw all those things and I wanted them. I wanted them with Maisie and I wanted my son. I wanted a life I knew I was worthy of.
“Could you be pregnant?” I asked as the thought popped into my head and hoping I didn’t sound petrified. “We didn’t use a condom.”
“I’m aware how bloody irresponsible we were, Sam,” she huffed. “But you’re in the clear, I’m on the pill and clean.”
I held in the breath of relief, knowing it would only serve to prove Maisie right in her misgivings about what I was asking for.
“I’m clean too. I had a health check a few months ago. If I wasn’t sure, I’d have insisted and not put you at risk.” I took a long drink of my luke-warm tea, watching Maisie carefully over the rim of the mug.
“I haven’t had a check, but Josh always used condoms as well,” she said with a scowl. “I think he hated the idea of having kids more than you do, so he wanted to be sure.”
The sound of the prick’s name sent the hairs on my arms on end. I still wanted to kill him for what he’d done and just wished I’d been able to get my hands on him. He’d have been begging for fucking death when I’d finished with him.
“I’m nothing like that prick. Well not any more. Told you, I know what I want now.”
“Sam, you really are just having a gut reaction to what happened yesterday,” she sighed. “You don’t really want me. I promised you we’d tell Frankie, if it’s truly what you wanted and I think you do, so in a couple of weeks, when you’ve spent more time with him, then that’s what we’ll do, but you and I,” she paused, watching me carefully, “we aren’t happening. I’m sorry, but deep down you’ll be glad I didn’t agree.”
“No I won’t, Maisie, but I’ll give you some time. I’ll prove to you that I’ve changed and that I’m worthy of both you and our son.”
Maisie’s chin wobbled and it took everything in me not to get up and pull her into my arms, but I knew she needed time to process what I’d asked for. I knew I’d kind of landed it on her, but I didn’t want to live a life of regret any longer. It was time to give her some space, so I stood up and reached into the back pocket of my jeans and pulled out my wallet. The crinkled piece of paper had been in there a couple of days, but the day before hadn’t been the best time to give it to her.
