Page 55 of Samuel
“Spending time with him, I’ve seen how great he is and what I’ve missed out on, and I’ve realised a few things.”
“Such as, because you have to understand this from my point of view, you don’t want to know and then a few days of spending time with him and tah dah you’re cured of being a twat.”
“I know how it looks, but like I said, I swear I’m not that man.”
“Yes and like I said, this isn’t something you can pick up as and when you feel like it, Sam. If we tell him you’re his dad then that’s it, you’re his dad.”
“I know that and I’m ready.”
“Okay, so tell me what you’ve realised, what’s this great dawning light you’ve had?”
I paused wondering whether to spill my guts to her about what had filled my heart with blackness, what had turned me into a coward. Telling Elijah had lifted the blanket of cloud that had shrouded me for years and he’d reinforced what I already knew, I wasn’t the one to blame. Alison had a duty of care and she’d disrespected that. Maybe it was time to pull the last vestiges of my shame away and start afresh, learning to be the sort of man a boy would be proud to call dad.
“When I was sixteen, I had a two year affair with my swimming coach. She was older and married and when I was just eighteen she told me she was having my baby.”
Maisie’s eyes widened as she reared back to look at me. “What?”
“I had a thing with my coach. She told me she’d left her husband and that we were having a baby, but when I went to the hospital on the day she gave birth, she admitted that she’d never left him and the baby was his.”
“She was your coach?” Maisie’s hands went to her mouth in shock. “You were a child, Sam.”
“Yeah, I know and I was ashamed and felt stupid that she’d tricked me for so long and I guess I carried all of that with me and let it cloud my judgement when you got pregnant.”
“That’s awful Sam, but it’s no excuse,” she whispered wrapping her arms around her waist. “You spoke to me like I was shit. I was okay that you didn’t want to be a dad, you stepped up financially and you never told me a pack of lies and then let me find out the hard way, but you should never have tarnished me with the same brush as a woman who cheated and lied for her own needs.”
“I know that,” I sighed feeling the shame rise within me. “And I regret treating you so badly. The least I should have done would be to help you take care of Frankie, taken my turn.”
“Yeah,” she scoffed. “That is the least you should have done. You have missed out on so much with him. He’s an amazing little boy and you don’t even know the half of what he’s capable of. I get that what happened is a reason for you behaving that way, but don’t use it as justification. You were a grown man who should have lived up to his responsibility, no matter what happened in the past.”
“Well you didn’t take it quite like Elijah did.” I gave an empty laugh.
“Of course he’s going to be sympathetic, he’s your brother and so am I to a point, but I have Frankie to think about. He’s my priority Sam, not you.”
Leaning forward, I rested my forearms on my knees, wishing I hadn’t mentioned anything about wanting to be in Frankie’s life. I should have waited until he was home. Shit – time wouldn’t make any difference, if I told her today or in a week’s time, I’d still been a prick allowing my past to rule me.
“I’m sorry, Maisie. You’re right, I know you are, but I just hoped it might explain why I did what I did.”
I glanced over and watched as Maisie got up and moved to the window. She kept her back to me and I could see her shoulders tense under her thin t-shirt.
“I’ll think about everything you’ve said, Sam,” Maisie said without turning around. “And I won’t keep you from Frankie, if that’s what you want, but to say I’m disappointed that you forfeited time with him because you thought I might do the same to you as some bitch who should have known better, well that’s an understatement. I know we didn’t know each other that well, but you should have handled things so differently than you did.”
She slowly turned around to face me and the disappointment in her eyes was almost as devastating as when I saw it in my brother’s. I cared about her because she was a good person, and much more forgiving than I deserved, and maybe this was a step too far for her.
“I don’t hate you, Sam.”
Her words surprised me, because I was pretty sure I’d hate me if things had been reversed.
“I’m glad that you want to be Frankie’s dad, but I’m scared too and I know you were young, but if you can make a huge decision of not to be in his life because a woman lied to you, well it worries me what you’d do to him if something else spooked you.”
“It won’t happen,” I replied, shaking my head. “When he gets home you can dictate the pace and when we tell him, but it’s what I want. If I’m honest I regretted everything three years ago when we met to talk about the money I was sending to you. I should’ve said something then, but didn’t and then lectured Elijah about regret like the biggest hypocrite ever.”
“So what stopped you saying something then?”
“I thought he had a dad in Josh? I didn’t think I deserved it? To be honest I have no fucking idea, all I know is that I want this now, but I understand that you’re in charge.”
Maisie nodded and then turned back to the window. As I stood up to join her, she let out a cry.
“Maisie, what is it?” I asked, rushing to her side.
