Page 9 of Samuel
I went cold at the thought of him finding out about Alison. His reaction emphasised the fact that it was too late, he could never know after all this time, otherwise he might never speak to me again.
I shrugged. “Maybe I was ashamed.”
They were words I’d never voiced before, but there was a ring of truth in them. I was a little ashamed about it all – that I couldn’t be a father to Frankie, didn’t want to be a father. The circumstances of why I felt like that didn’t matter. I was a fucking twat, just like Elijah said.
“Are you going to tell your mum and dad?” Amy asked.
“Fuck no,” I groaned. “No way. They’d insist on meeting him and Maisie’s made it very clear Frankie is not to know I’m his dad.”
“So why tell us?”
“Because…” I sighed and considered what my answer was, because I had to be honest, it suddenly felt like a stupid damn idea. “It’s unsettled me. Seeing him, talking to Maisie, knowing that he likes Northern Soul and that he could be an amazing swimmer, has made me feel strange. Complete even.”
Amy’s eyes were soft as she watched me from her chair by the open fire. It had taken me a while to trust her again after she and Elijah had gotten back together, but once I got my head from up my arse and realised she wasn’t to blame for what happened, and I finally heard the truth from Lauren Proctor after Eli and Amy were back together, we got our old friendship back – me taking the piss out of her and her thinking she could boss me around.
“There’s parts of him that are so obviously me, Ames, and I’m kind of proud of that and I think I just wanted to share it. I needed to tell someone, ‘you see that kid, the one that’s a great swimmer and likes cool music, well he’s mine’.”
“You know to deserve those parts, you need to do the shit parts too.”
I nodded, knowing I was being totally selfish.
“Do you want a relationship with him?” Amy asked.
I flinched back, my eyes widening at her words. “No. Not at all. Yeah, it’s weird and kind of cool that a part of me is running around, you must get that, every time you look at Bella, but I’m not ready to be his dad. I won’t ever be.”
Amy nodded. “I do understand why you feel pride, but I also want everyone to know she’s mine and Elijah’s. I love being her mummy and can’t imagine watching her from the side lines. It would kill me and I know Elijah would feel the same.”
I knew what she said to be true, because Eli had pretty much said the same thing to me when Bella had only been a few month’s old. He’d said he’d die before he’d let anyone else bring her up. The difference was, Elijah was born to be a father and had the love of his life alongside him. Yes they’d suffered along the way, but I think everyone knew deep down they’d always end up back together – it took them some convincing, but they got there in the end.
“How was it talking to Maisie?” Amy asked, smirking.
“Well we didn’t swap numbers or holiday snaps if that’s what you’re asking.”
“You really liked her all those years ago.”
“Yeah, but we had sex twice in one night and like I said, it fizzled out.”
“How come?” Her brow furrowed.
“Well that would be because I was trying to hold my brother together after his wife left him.”
As soon as I saw the hurt mask Amy’s face, I knew it had been a shitty thing to say.
“I’m sorry,” I said on a sigh. “But you’d gone and he was falling apart and so I didn’t have much time for Maisie.”
Amy nodded and shifted in her seat, pulling her feet underneath her. She was makeup free and her deep auburn hair was in some sort of plait, hanging over one shoulder and I couldn’t image anyone more perfect for my brother. She was beautiful and sweet and she was just who he deserved. Like I always said, he was the good brother.
“So what now?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Nothing, I suppose. I spend an hour with him once a week for the next six weeks and treat him like the rest of the kids in the group. I go on as normal, as a single man without kids, with a business to run.”
“And you think you can do that, carry on as normal?”
Trust Amy to ask the sixty-four-million dollar question. She never did let me have an easy ride.
“Yep, of course I can. Nothing has changed. I already knew he existed, I just never met him before.”
Amy looked at me sceptically and nodded. “Well, if you say so, Sam.”
