Page 99 of Elijah
“How did you expect me to feel, Elijah?” I cried. “You told me you were still with your girlfriend and were going to see how I reacted before ending things with her.”
“I screwed up, I admit it,” he roared over the noise of the weather. “But you wouldn’t listen, you didn’t care, you just did what you did five years ago and ran.”
“You know why I ran five years ago,” I practically screamed, poking a finger at him. “And the other day, I felt as though I was being used. You’re still living with your girlfriend and yet told me you couldn’t be with anyone else. You lied, Elijah.”
“I didn’t fucking lie. I admit I went about things all the wrong way, said it all wrong, but I didn’t lie.”
He inched forward, leaning into my space and all my senses went on high alert. My body ached for him as his scent wafted on the wind. It was agony, not touching him.
“I can’t fucking love anyone like I love you,” he said, his voice breaking. “I can’t do it, Amy. I’ve fucking tried, but every single thing in my life comes back to you. Every thought in my fucking head is about you. I’ve felt lost for five years and I kidded myself that I was getting better, that I’d finally managed to move forward, but you damn well sashayed into that fucking house in your tight skirt and blouse, swaying that bloody red hair around and all I could think about was that I loved you still and I wanted you back. I wanted our life back.”
Resting his hands on his head, Elijah looked up at the grey, stormy sky and groaned.
“I was fucking kidding myself, I know I was, but at the least the pain had gone away.” He dropped his head to look back at me, and rested his hands on my shoulders, leaning closer. “I can’t let you break me again, Amy. I would never survive that pain again.”
“Mia helped with that pain though, didn’t she?” I asked wondering what sick sort of a person I was to want to know.
“I hate myself for saying this,” he said softly. “But Mia was only ever temporary pain relief; I just chose not to acknowledge the fact.”
“Yet you’re still with her,” I replied, my heart clenching as I thought of the weekend bag in his truck and the fact that he was going to see her.
Elijah shook his head. “I ended things with her. The day after the party, I went down to see her and tell her in person. It was shit, and I felt like a fucking twat, but I knew I couldn’t be with her, even if I couldn’t be with you.”
I inhaled sharply, understanding the pain that Mia must have felt. I couldn’t feel guilty though because if Elijah wasn’t with her, it meant we might have a chance to get back what we’d lost.
“But the weekend bag,” I said, nodding to the truck. “I thought…”
“No Amy.” Elijah reached out a hand and gently cupped my cheek. “You thought wrong, again.”
I drew in a breath as I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes briefly.
“Why are we doing this to each other?” I asked. “Hurting each other.”
“I was already hurt, Ames,” Elijah replied, dropping his hand back to his side. “What’s more pain?”
“But we could stop,” I said. “We could try again and make sure we never make the same mistakes again. Forget everything bad that’s happened.”
Elijah rolled his eyes and it felt like a sharp slap to my face.
“What’s the eye roll for?”
He moved back a step and huffed out a laugh. “Like you’d ever let me forget what you think you saw that night. It would always be your fucking stick to beat me with, Amy.”
“No,” I shook my head, desperate for him to believe me. “No way, I swear to you I wouldn’t.”
“You wouldn’t be able to help yourself,” he cried, pushing the heels of his hands against his eyes. “Ugh, you didn’t even stay around to find out the truth then, so why the fuck would you believe me now?”
I thought about what he said and everything rushed around in my head, had been rushing around in my head for days. The party, the way Lauren had been giving me evil glares, how drunk Elijah was, how I knew about his inability to have sex when he was drunk – so many things that I’d be too pig headed and selfish to consider before. I couldn’t say it was light suddenly dawning, because I think I’d known for a long time that apart from anything, Elijah was not that man. He was not that person who would do that to me. He’d adored and loved me.
“I do,” I said, moving closer. “I do believe you. I swear.”
“I wish I could believe you, Amy,” he replied sounding defeated.
“I swear to you, I do.”
“Fuck’s sake Amy, why now? Why couldn’t you believe me five years ago and then none of this shit would have happened?”
I swallowed and pushed my hands against my stomach, trying to stem the nausea swilling around in it. “I was grieving, I was stupid, I was pig headed, I don’t know Elijah and I wish I did.” Tears started to mix with the rain on my cheeks at the guilt I felt over what I’d done to us. Watching Elijah stare down at the road, I didn’t think I could reach him. I was sure he was too far gone from me for me be able to pull him back into the life we once had.
