Page 79 of Elijah
Elijah
aged 22
As I led Amy into the apartment, the heat in the place was stifling. There was a chill in the air, but it wasn’t so cold that the heating needed to be on so high. Sam probably thought he was doing the right thing. There was no sign of him, so I guessed he’d made himself scarce.
“Do you want to lie down on the bed, or get on the sofa?” I asked, pushing some of Amy’s hair away from her sticky, tear-stained face.
“I don’t mind,” she replied with a shrug. “Sofa, I suppose.”
“Okay, ba-.”
I stopped myself from saying the word that I thought might break the thin thread that Amy was hanging on by, since we’d found out our baby had died.
We were three days away from our twelve week scan when Amy began to have terrible stomach cramps and bleeding, and within hours, our world fell apart. The nurse on the phone told us to get to A&E as soon as possible, but to try not to worry. We didn’t speak on the ten minute journey over there, or while we sat in the waiting room for almost an hour because three car crash victims had come in. Finally, a nurse called us through and only ten minutes later we knew, our baby was gone; there was no heartbeat.
I held Amy’s hand the whole time, gripping it so tightly that she winced a little, but when I moved mine away, she quickly pulled it back. As the doctor talked to us, everything seemed a blur, and I knew what people meant when they described something as dreamlike. That was how if felt; voices were distorted, faces were blurred, and I was desperate to wake up. Then, as the nurse passed us both a tissue, Amy doubled over. At first I thought it was with grief, but when she cried out and nearly fell from the bed, the doctor explained that it was probably the final stages.
Two hours later, Amy had another scan and it was all over. According to the doctor, it had been a complete miscarriage; there was no pregnancy tissue left, so no need for any further procedure, we were simply sent home with instructions on what might happen and for Amy to make an appointment to see her doctor.
I’d called Sam and our parents and told them, repeating like a robot what the doctor had said. When my mum broke down, I almost lost it, so when Amy’s mum did too, I slid down the wall crying like a child, unable to get any further words out. They’d all wanted to come to the hospital or to the apartment, but I’d urged them not to, telling them we needed to be alone.
As I settled Amy on the sofa, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and looked down at it.
Sam: Hey Eli. I’m staying at mum and dads tonight. I turned the heating up and got you some Chinese food in case either of you feel like eating. It’s in the fridge. I’m so sorry bro. I know how much you both wanted this. Mum says call if you need anything. Love you both.
I put the phone back without responding and got onto the sofa with Amy. As soon as I was settled, I took her hand and pulled it gently.
“Come here,” I whispered.
She nodded as she chewed her lip, looking up at me with thick tears brimming at her eyelashes. She crawled between my legs and wrapping an arm around my waist, she laid her cheek on my chest. Despite the warmth of the flat, I grabbed a throw off the back of the sofa and put it over us, cocooning us together.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice quiet and broken.
“Hey,” I replied, lifting her chin so our eyes met. “Don’t say that. You have nothing to be sorry for. It happened and not because of anything you or I did or didn’t do, you understand that?”
“But she was inside me, Elijah. I was the one who was supposed to take care of her.”
I winced at her calling the baby a she. We had no idea really, but Amy was positive that we were having a little girl and the last week or so had started to call her Pinky Boo, telling me it was a lovely name to call our first child. Obviously we weren’t going to, but Amy loved to make me squirm.
“And you did that job perfectly,” I said, taking in a shaky breath. “There was something wrong that neither of us could know about.”
“What if it was because I forgot to take my folic acid? I didn’t take it twice last week.”
“It won’t be that. The doctor said, these things happen for no particular reason before twelve weeks.”
“We were so close,” she whispered, wrapping her arm tighter around me.
I kissed the top of her head and fought back the words, ‘we can try again’, because I wouldn’t want to hear them, so why on earth would Amy.
“I know, and I wish things could have been different.”
Amy shifted as she looked up at me. “How are you feeling?” she asked, running a finger down my nose. “You’ve been taking care of me, but what about you?”
I swallowed and closed my eyes. I couldn’t lie to her, that wasn’t what we were about. Amy and I were honest with each other, no matter what.
“I’m fucking heartbroken. I want to wake up and it all be a fucking horrible nightmare. I want to scream and shout and ask why us, why our baby. I want to wrap you up and keep you safe and I just want for everyone to stay away until we’ve had time to grieve.” I looked down at her, tears dripping from the end of my nose. “I want our baby back.”
Amy let out a sob and crashed her lips to mine, whispering her love and sorrow as our tears mingled together. We lay on the sofa together all night, barely sleeping until finally at around dawn, we both drifted into our own nightmares and dreams, but still clinging to each other for comfort.
It was the worst time in my life and the only comfort was my beautiful wife in my arms, the place where during the early hours, she’d promised to always stay, no matter what.
