Page 12 of Renegade Roomie

“Watch it!” A gigantic, musclebound guy scoops all four up in one motion, shooting me an offended glare as he cradles them to his beefy chest.

“Sorry!” I mutter, moving away.

“Phineas?” My grandmother asks.

“Yes! Sorry about that.” I duck into a coffee shop and head to the back to get away from the noise. “Did you say I’m cut off?”

“Indeed you did. I feel like I’ve been very patient with you, but this has gone on long enough. I warned you, you’re not a little boy anymore. You’re a grown man, and it’s past time for you to stop playing around. Until you settle down and shape up, I can’t continue to pay for your wayward lifestyle.”

I try not to laugh. Zelda’s making it seem like I’m carousing out until dawn with a whole Playboy mansion’s worth of girls. She’s always had a flair for the dramatic, so of course she thinks I’m on a one-way ticket to bachelor doom.

But if all she wants is to see me settled?

I can do that.

“Actually, I have been seeing someone.” I lie. “We’re getting pretty serious.”

There’s a pause on the other end. “You’re seeing someone?” Zelda’s disbelief is obvious.

“Yes, that’s the other reason I was calling you this morning,” I lie again, hoping I’m not going straight to hell. “I figured you’d be happy to get that update.”

“Well, isn’t that a nice surprise? If you’re serious about this woman, then I can’t wait to meet her.” Zelda coos. “In fact, I’ll expect the two of you to come stay for this weekend. Now, I have to run. Sherry is here to help me plan the big gala. I love you, let me know when you have your flight information.”

She hangs up before I can protest.

Dammit.

I should have remembered what I learned playing poker with the woman: Zelda will always call your bluff.

Now where the hell am I going to find a serious girlfriend to take home to grandma—and on such short notice?

I wince. There has to be some way out of this mess. Showing up empty-handed is a non-starter. My grandmother will know I lied, and I can kiss my money goodbye.

Money I’ve already earmarked for a bunch of cool start-up investments.

Then I remember. Charlie’s cousin, Olivia, runs some kind of fake dating agency, which is how Charlie and Grace hooked up to begin with. I was talking to her about it last month, and if anyone can save my ass right now, it’s got to be her. Her entire business model revolves around setting up pretend relationships.

Hope blooms in my chest as I whip out my phone to get the number. But before dialing, I notice an alert for a new voicemail.

“Hi, this is Callie. You know, from the subway station?’

I almost don’t recognize her voice at first. Now that she’s not screeching, Subway Girl’s voice is kind of nice. Husky and more than a little sexy, which fits my memory of those flashing blue eyes.

“Anyway, just calling to tell you to get that platinum Amex ready. You owe me.”

I pause. Either I’m having a terrible idea right now or the greatest one ever.

Because Subway Girl might just be the answer to my problem.

4

Callie

“No, not that cheerful green eyeshadow. I was thinking more along the lines of nuclear waste. The grunginess speaks to my inner rocker.” The petite, sixty-something woman in front of me pats her hair. Her spiky, purple-tipped hair.

“Nuclear waste, got it.” I fight to keep a straight face, but only because Lorelei is snickering somewhere behind me. Personally, I think grunge-loving granny should rock whichever color brings her the most joy.

As I’m digging beneath the counter, my customer gasps. “My, aren’t you a handsome boy! With those eyes, I think you’d look smashing with a little purple guy-liner.”

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