Page 16 of The Love Dealer

All I could do was close my eyes and enjoy every stroke… hoping she was ready for all I had in store for her for the evening.

seven

Bre

“Can I see my baby?”were the first words out of my mouth as soon as Nick accepted my FaceTime request.

He chuckled and shook his head. “Well, hello to you, too.”

“Sorry. Hey.” Our eyes were locked, and I could tell by the bags under his that he hadn’t gotten much rest. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. Yesterday was his first day having Trinity by himself, and from the looks of it, she’d worn him out. “How are you?”

Nick released a vocal exhale and shook his head while running his hand across his waves. “Listen, I just want to say I don’t know how you do this.” Though he smiled briefly, his expression was serious. “I’m tired as hell, Bre.”

“Did you stick to the schedule I gave you?”

“Yeah, but it was difficult for me to work mine around hers. I know you said to eat when she eats and sleep when she sleeps and all that, but I couldn’t get to sleep. So I couldn’t wake up before her this morning to try to get some time in for myself or a little work done at home. I’m behind on everything and I don’t know how I’m going to do this shit for the entire weekend.”

I wanted to show him empathy, but I also didn’t feel sorry for him. This had been my life for the past nine and a half months. Had he been concerned and present for me like he was with our daughter, he would have known what I was going through.

“It’ll get easier,” was all I could say.

“I also wanted to apologize. You made this shit look easy, but you do a lot daily. I love Trin, but I didn’t realize how active she is. I thought she would be excited because it was the evening time when I got home, but baby girl be on one all fucking day.” That got a hearty laugh out of me as I pulled the comforter further up my chest. “And she’s such a smart, inquisitive child. She wants to read everything, look at everything, experience everything. She’s a lot, Sabrina. I know she’s going to be smart as hell, but I didn’t realize…” His head shook. “I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted and that’s making me physically drained. It’s only been one day, and you’ve been doing this by yourself since she was born. I’m so, so sorry, baby. For real.”

I wasn’t expecting him to apologize, let alone say everything else he said, so it caught me off guard. Though Nick could act simple and detached a lot of times, he was also a man who held himself accountable and did and said the right things—when he believed they were the right things.

It wouldn’t matter how many times I tried to express my grievances with him, until he understood where I was coming from, it wouldn’t matter. He wasn’t compassionate enough for me, and I couldn’t submit to a man like that. If I was busting my ass to make your house a home, the least you could do was bring me flowers to put in it. Or take me out to dinner a few times out of the week. Set it up so we could vacation together and get away. But he was too self-centered to take me into consideration, and I was too passive to make him. Shit, I felt like if I had to, it wouldn’t have been genuine.

So as fine as he was, as good as that dick was, and as good as he was with our daughter… I was one hundred percent sure we wouldneverget back together again. He had a lot on his plate, though, so I wasn’t going to tell him that while I was away.

“Thank you for that, Nick.” I wiped my face quickly. “I really appreciate that.”

“When you coming home?”

“I don’t know. Monday maybe. Why?”

“I want us to really sit down and talk. I know we broke up because we felt like we’d grown apart, but I really feel like I dropped the ball with you.”

“Nick, that’s not…”

“We can get a nanny or babysitter, and I’ll limit the amount of times I go out throughout the week. I know you don’t know anyone here, so I’ll have a little get together and tell everyone I know to bring a plus one. That way, you can mingle and possibly meet some new people. If that doesn’t work…”

“Nick,” I called sternly. “I appreciate this, but it’s a lot. I just… called to see Trin. That’s it.”

His head bobbed once as he looked away briefly, and I was hoping he dropped it so we wouldn’t have to continue this conversation.

“So you don’t want to try, then?”

Sighing, I tilted my head. “I just feel like it would be pointless to try. We’ve established the fact that we don’t work as a couple. When I come back, my only concern is going to be figuring out what’s best for Trinity.”

“I don’t know.” He stood and headed toward Trinity. From the looks of it, he was seated at the end of the island in the kitchen, so she was probably by the window in the dining room area. I put on the list I left him that she loves watching the kids in the neighborhood walk down the street to catch the bus while she eats. “Maybe it’s just guilt making me want to try again. I feel like I really fucked shit up and I want to fix that.”

“I hear you, and I believe that’s what it is. It doesn’t have to be fixed by us getting back together, though. It can be fixed by us finding a way to co-parent in a healthy way. You already said you’re dating someone who wants me out of the house…”

“Fuck that,” he interrupted quickly. “This isyourhome. You’re not leaving unless it’s because you want to. I’m not prioritizing her. I’m prioritizing our daughter and you. I hear you about not wanting to be in a relationship, but just think about it and we can talk more when you get home, okay?”

I agreed just to appease him, but I didn’t think anything would change my mind at this point. We were together too long for me to feel like I had to continue to teach him how I wanted to be treated. At this point, it should have been natural. We were three years in. If he hadn’t figured it out by now, he probably never would, and I was finally at peace with that.

Nick wasn’t a bad man—he just wasn’t the man for me.

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