Page 10 of The Love Dealer

After disconnecting the call, I sighed and headed for the kitchen. I washed my hands and returned with four pieces of the cereal to appease my daughter. Nick walked into the room shortly after. At the sight of him, Trinity dropped the cereal and lifted her arms for him to pick her up. He obliged with no hesitation and covered her face with kisses before lifting her into the air as she giggled.

“How was work?” I asked.

“Good. How are you?”

That was new. “Good, thank you for asking.”

Nick nodded. “Y’all have any issues today?”

“No, things have been pretty chill.”

“Cool. Did you want to get out the house?”

“I would love to, actually.” My face twisted as confusion filled me. “What’s gotten into you?”

Nick chuckled as he put her back in her playpen and loosened his tie.

“I wanted to talk to you about something, but I was hoping we could have dinner first.”

My head shook as I walked over to him. “No, you have me worried now. What’s up?”

Licking the corner of his mouth, Nick looked down at Trinity before he nodded in agreement. Taking me by the hand, he led me to the egg-shaped chairs that were in the right corner of the room.

As soon as we sat down, he said, “I’m not attracted to you anymore,” and my heart instantly deflated. “You’re beautiful as hell, and I will love for you forever because you gave me my first child, but there’s nothing about you or us that excites me anymore. You never take the time to dress nice and put on makeup anymore. We never do anything. There’s no romance between us.”

He paused and tried to take my hand into his, but I pulled it away from him. “I know we aren’t technically in a relationship, but I met someone, and she doesn’t feel comfortable being with me while you’re still here. I felt like that would be the case, that’s why I’ve been trying to keep something going with you even though we haven’t had a title. But you never want to have sex and we just don’t connect anymore. I want more, and I know you have to want more too.”

I released one of those long Peter Griffin exhales as I ran my hands down my thighs.

“I’m not messed up about the first thing you said,” I made clear. “I’m not attracted to you, either. There’s no emotional connection, no intimacy, no effort between us. The only thing attractive about you right now is you being a good father, and that doesn’t get my pussy wet.”

His brows wrinkled and nose flared, like he had the audacity to be offended by what I said.

Still, I continued. “For you to sit here and mention me not doing my makeup or getting dressed up anymore…” I chuckled and shook my head. “I’m at home all day, every day, with a nine-month-old baby. If I go out, it’s with her. We’re always running around or chilling in bed, so there’s no reason for me to get dressed. You work all day and hang with your friends all night.

“We might go out twice a month, if then. For the past two months, I’ve gone out with you once, Nick. You don’t make it seem like you’re interested in me or attracted to me, so why should I bother? I won’t take away how great you are with our daughter, but you have never in your life spent an entire day with her by yourself. You don’t know how stressful it is.

“I love my daughter, and I love being a mom, but it’s exhausting because I have no help! By the time you get home, I want some time to myself, and most nights, I still can’t get that because you go out with your friends. And now I hear that you’re dating while I’m here with our daughter, and you have thenerveto sit there and tell me there’s nothing exciting about us?”

“Bre…”

“I gave up my career for you. I left my family for you. This was whatyouwanted, and you promised me you’d take care of us and make everything I sacrificed worth it.” My eyes watered and chin trembled, but I was trying my hardest not to let my tears fall. “That’s my fault, though. I should have stayed in Memphis and trusted my intuition. I’ve been all alone here, and you saythisshit to me?”

I stood and tried to walk away, but he quickly grabbed me and buried his face in my neck.

“I’m sorry, aight? I hadn’t thought about it like that. You’re right, I don’t have a lot of time with Trin by myself because you’re such an amazing mom. Maybe I’ve taken advantage of that.”

I chuckled, but there was nothing funny about this conversation.

“I have been dating other women, several women, and that’s why I haven’t been putting forth the effort with you. But I love you, Bre, and I want us to make it work. If we’re going to give our family a chance, we need to commit to this relationship, for real. If not, we need to separate so we can commit to other people. I know you have needs I’m not meeting and it’s the same for me, but I also know it’s easier for me to have my needs met because I don’t have Trinity full time.”

“You’re damn right,” I agreed through my sniffle as I stood and put space between us, so he wouldn’t try to grab me again. “I’ve made your life easier than you realize, but that changes now. I want you to have her for a while alone so you can see how hard it is to be a full-time parent, then come to me about looks and effort and excitement. This was supposed to be a partnership, but you got me here just to be a live-in babysitter while you lived your best life. I’ve completely lost myself in motherhood and I really can’t believe you had the audacity to say that shit to me.”

After pushing him out of my room, I slammed the door and locked it so he wouldn’t be able to get inside. Trinity looked up at me, and at the sight of my tears, her eyes watered. I tried to force a smile so she wouldn’t cry, but that only made me cry harder. At the sound of her sobs, Nick asked for her. I gladly gave her to him so I could compose myself. He tried to apologize, but I just shut the door in his face.

I didn’t blame him for his feelings at all, but that shit still hurt. My feelings were justified just as much as his. I guess it hurt so much because I had this picture of how I thought things would go and things didn’t turn out that way at all. Then, thinking about everything that I’d given up to make this move for our family… just had me feeling like a fool.

Once I composed myself, I got on Facebook and made a status saying I was going home for the weekend and for everyone to let me know was happening in the city. Not too long after, Zo was sending me a text that reminded me I needed to save his number.

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