Page 124 of The Confidant
Absolute silence.
And it scared me. Because I’d never felt the absolute silence before.
Was this silence God’s way of punishing me for being resistant to his commandment? Was this God’s more modern way of throwing me into the belly of a big fish because I didn’t want to obey and follow his plan for me?
I didn’t know, but the silence was deafening and made it impossible to feel any sort of comfort.
I’d even been desperate enough for some advice that I emailedThe Confidanttwo nights ago sinceThe Confidantalways seemed to know exactly what to do in tricky situations.
ButThe Confidanthadn’t messaged me back, either. Which I probably should have known would happen.
I wasn’t supposed to talk about this situation with anyone, so God had probably intercepted the communication and made sure my email was lost in the sea of other high school students looking for advice.
So after spending several days with my thoughts on a continuous anxious loop, I’d texted Xander to see how he’d felt about everything. To see if it felt as wrong and invasive to him as it did to me. But as we’d texted back and forth, he seemed to be on board with it. Like he had already found peace with being told exactly who he needed to marry and was just waiting patiently for me to come along for the ride with him.
Maybe I should be flattered that he didn’t mind the idea of marrying me…but all I could think about was the fact that we still barely knew anything about each other. Definitely not enough to want to spend the rest of your life raising a special kid with someone.
But maybe it was different for him. He was four years older than me and had more experience dating. So maybe he felt like he’d already spent enough time fishing for the best fish in the sea and was completely content with the one the revelation had chosen for him.
Or maybe it had nothing to do with me and he just really liked the idea of raising the future High Priest.
My dad certainly seemed honored that he would be the grandfather of the Chosen One.
Either way, Xander had suggested we have dinner together to talk things over, saying he might have some insights that would help me feel more at peace.
I just hoped I’d have more clarity by the end of the night.
* * *
Xander was waitingfor me in the school lobby, and when he saw me, a big smile spread across his lips. Like he was actually happy to see me and looking forward to a future together.
“You look beautiful tonight,” he said, appraising me from head to toe.
“Thanks,” I said even though I was pretty sure I only looked okay. I hadn’t wanted to raise any alarms to Hunter, so I’d done the bare minimum to get ready for dinner at a fancy restaurant—putting on a nice dress and doing my hair and makeup just enough that it wouldn’t be too obvious how I really didn’t want anything to do with the future that had been written out for me.
Xander gave me a hug, and for a second it looked like he wanted to take my hand. But he seemed to realize that I wasn’t ready for that kind of familiarity right now, so he instead walked slightly ahead of me and opened the passenger door of his Bugatti to help me in.
Before taking my seat, out of instinct, I looked up at the large windows that belonged to the common room. There was a Hunter-shaped shadow standing there, and I felt immediately guilty for keeping him in the dark about what was going on.
And from the way he stepped away from the window when he noticed me looking up at him, I could tell he probably felt like my dinner with Xander was all about betraying him and all the plans he’d been making for the future.
Xander and I pulled into Jacob’s Steakhouse, one of Eden Falls more upscale restaurants, about ten minutes later. The hostess led us to a private room in the back.
“I figured it would be good to have some privacy,” Xander said as he helped me into my seat. “Just because of the sacredness of this situation.”
Thesacredness? Did he really see this whole situation as a special, sacred calling then?
Did that mean I was a bad person for seeing it more as a punishment?
We ordered our food. After the waitress brought our drinks—wine for him, water with lemon for me—Xander asked, “So, how are you liking your classes? Are you excited for the last two months of your senior year?”
I took a sip of my water before saying, “I actually haven’t been in the zone with all that as much lately.” I set the glass back on the table. “I’ve been a little preoccupied with other things this week.”
If I was going to be fully honest, it actually felt like my senior year had been stolen from me the moment my dad pulled me into his office and told me I’d be getting married on Easter weekend.
I couldn’t think. Couldn’t concentrate on anything. Ever since Sunday afternoon, I’d basically been in full adrenaline mode all the time. It was so exhausting.
And yet, even as tired as I was, I still couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t settle down at all.
