Page 110 of The Confidant
But here I was, ten minutes until the Sunday service would begin, feeling like I was just about to betray myself for the girl I loved.
I pushed the thought away.
It was just one meeting.
One hour out of the rest of my day.
I didn’t need to put so much weight on something that would be over in the same amount of time it took me to writeThe Confidant’s column this morning.
I drew in a deep breath and texted Scarlett back.
Me:I just got here.
Then I slipped my phone into the interior pocket of my suit coat, closed my eyes, and drew in a few deep breaths.
It’s only sixty minutes.
But when I opened my eyes again and looked up at the large church behind the blossom-covered trees, an overall sense of unease filled me again.
The last time I’d been inside the church was for my interview with Pastor Caldwell—the one where he’d disfellowshipped me and labeled me as a threat to the church.
And while I’d hoped that the painful feelings might have lessened a little more since then, they were still raw and real.
Could I even stand to be in the same room as him again? Could I look him in the eyes and smile, knowing that he thought what had happened in that room was just him holding a “court of love” and that the verdict he’d chosen based on his own biases was “for my greater good.” When to me, it had felt more like a slap in the face and a shove out the door.
This is probably a mistake.
I clenched my jaw and tried to think about what to do next. Should I continue with the plan and sit through another meeting?
Or should I just text Scarlett my apologies and tell her that we’d have to find a different compromise? One that didn’t involve me going inside that church building ever again.
But before I could pull out my phone and tell Scarlett anything, she appeared at the gate wearing a blue dress I hadn’t seen before, along with a huge smile on her face.
She was so hopeful that this would be the answer to our problem.
Maybe it will actually feel fine to go inside again. Maybe you’re just feeding into your anxiety and making this a bigger deal than it really is.
“Ready to go?” she asked breathlessly, like she’d skipped here in her excitement to see me.
And even though I didn’t know if I was, I slipped a smile on my lips and said, “Yeah, let’s go.”
We walked side by side down the sidewalk that led to the front doors, and I took some more deep breaths as we did.
“My dad still assumes we’re just friends,” Scarlett said when we were about fifteen feet away. “So I don’t think it would be a good idea to hold hands or anything like that while we’re in here.”
“Makes sense,” I said.
“But if this goes well today, I was thinking that we might be able to break the news about us being back together to him soon.” She looked up at me. “What do you think?”
“Let’s just see how today goes first, and then we can make a plan after that.”
“Of course.” She nodded, like she was just remembering that me being here wasn’t supposed to be a promise yet. “Let’s just see how it goes. No need to rush anything before we’re ready.”
When we reached the main doors of the church, Scarlett must have noticed my hesitation because she stepped closer, rubbed my arm, and said, “It’s going to be okay. We’ll just sit, listen, and then leave. And if this doesn’t work, we’ll figure something else out.”
“Really?” I asked, not realizing how much I needed to hear those words until she said them.
She nodded. “If nothing else, I’m just thankful you even dared try. It can’t be easy to come back here after everything you and your family went through. After all the rumors…”
