Page 113 of The Confidant
There weren’t any actions I felt I needed to repent of.
So if that was the only thing going on here, I could partake of it without a second thought since I still considered myself to be extremelyworthy. I had zero guilt or shame about anything I’d done or the way I lived my life now.
Plus, seeing me take the small piece of bread would make Scarlett happy and also reassure everyone watching me that I hadn’t completely jumped on Satan’s bandwagon while I’d been away.
I could still be a safe person.
One of them.
But if I’d originally stepped away from The Fold because I couldn’t play pretend anymore, why would I pretend now?
Which I guess gave me the answer I’d been searching for when I’d decided to come here in the first place.
I couldn’t live a lie.
Not even for a second.
So I passed the tray on to Scarlett without taking a piece and tried not to focus too much on the way her shoulders drooped with disappointment.
Disappointment in me.
She ate her own piece of bread, passing the tray to the family on the row behind us. I leaned close to her ear and whispered in a shaky voice, “It’s not because I’m not worthy, okay? I’m not—” I sighed and pinched my eyes shut briefly, hating the way this felt—like I had to prove I was still a good person to keep her from leaving me. I opened my eyes again. “I’m not, like, secretly doing anything immoral or living a double life, or anything like that.” I paused, and then added, “I just don’t feel right pretending.”
Her posture had gone stiff again, but she nodded. And when I pulled away and studied her face, it looked like she was fighting back tears.
Like the reminder that things actually were different now was just crashing over her all over again.
And my disbelief was breaking her heart.
I reached over and took her hand in mine, giving it a squeeze—silently pleading for her not to give up on me.
She squeezed my hand back, which reassured me. I could at least breathe again.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Xander watching us intently. And all I could think was,Move on, dude. She’s still in high school.
Pastor Caldwell went to the podium a short time later and said, “I had a different topic planned for my message today but was moved by the spirit this morning to talk to you about eternal families and the importance of aligning yourself with people who hold the same values when you’re considering dating and marriage.”
Of course.
He’d seen Scarlett with me and had decided it was time to remind his daughter that she shouldn’t get any wild thoughts about a future with a heathen like me.
He went on to talk about the importance of being married by one of the church leaders in a sacred ceremony. And the more he talked about how our souls became lost without the blessings of the gospel and how we needed to humble ourselves and repent of any misdeeds, the more triggered I became.
So I did what I usually did when I became triggered and needed to tune out of The Fold’s jargon. I pulled out my phone to scroll through Ex-Fold Reddit.
I needed to hear from other people who had been through a faith transition so that I wouldn’t feel so alone.
I was just scrolling through a few funny memes when one popped up with a likeness of Samuel Williams. Two different women were sitting on his lap with another four behind him, and his first wife Melissa crying in the corner with the words “Seven Brides for ONE Brother” written above their heads.
Scarlett noticed that I’d disconnected from the meeting at the exact wrong moment—before I could scroll past the meme making fun of the man whom she considered to be one of the Lord’s anointed, she looked down at my phone and quietly gasped.
“Sorry,” I said, looking up and feeling my cheeks heat as I closed the app. “I didn’t plan for you to see that.”
“Did you think that was funny?” Scarlett asked under her breath.
“Not really,” I said.
Part of me still squirmed a little when I saw the harsher posts on Ex-Fold Reddit. I still wasn’t used to the way some of the people bashed the church.
