Page 21 of Falling For My Childhood Crush

Lester was completely freaking out and I tried to get him to calm down, but it seemed like the more I tried, the worse it was. He did not seem to be calming down and, even though we hadn't done anything, I could only imagine if we had our clothes off. Lester and I would definitely be going to blows.

It was cold and I pulled out an extra shirt. Beatrice was out of the bed of the truck, and I asked him if he was going to give her a ride home. “Yeah, I got this. Leaving her with you was obviously not a good idea.”

He was looking at me pointedly and as much as I wanted to explain it all to him, I had to let it go. He was the one that was showing out right now, not me. Sure, it was probably shocking to see us together, but Beatrice was in her 20’s now and we hadn't done anything. I kept repeating that out loud and to myself because I felt guilty. I didn't feel guilty because of what we did, I felt guilty about what I wanted to do to her. Maybe that's what Lester saw that made him so upset.

The two of them left and I was stuck on the beach by myself, looking around, and since I was already there, I took my shirt off and waded into the water to wake up. I had a hell of a hangover and my friend yelling at me hadn't helped anything. I didn't know what was going to happen from it, but I knew that we were going to have another discussion about it, and I wondered if I should tell him the truth. Maybe I should tell him that I did care about his sister and since she was back and we were both single, I wanted to give it a go.

As soon as I thought it though, I pushed that thought away because there was no way in hell that it was going to end well. Lester would never let it happen. He still saw me as the Playboy of our youth. I would be the first to admit that I jumped from woman to woman back then, still did on occasion, but it wouldn't be that way with Beatrice. I didn't know how I could explain it to him or make him believe me, but Beatrice was different, she was special. That meant that it would be different, and I would be different.

* * *

I got backto the house and took a shower and got ready. There was a lot that had to be done today, but of course I wasn't worried about any of it. Beatrice was on my mind, and I tried to call her later, but whoever answered hung up on me when I asked for her. It could have very well been Lester and that would just be another reason the two of us were going to get into it later. It was sad that I couldn't even blame him. He loved his sister and that was all well and good, but we’d been friends for years. He should trust me a little bit more. He should know that I wouldn't do anything to hurt people he cared about. The guilt was replaced with offended feelings. I was offended that he would think so low of me. He knew me better than anybody else did. Was I really that bad when it came to women?

I tried not to think about it too much, knowing that any soul searching was going to come out with revelations that I didn't want to think about. I had been a mess for a while, and I couldn't say that I wasn't still. I wanted to be different, but that didn't mean that I would be able to make any real significant change.

As much as I wanted to see Beatrice, it was best to keep my distance. It was like many other things, easier said than done and I didn't speak to her again until I saw her at work. That was nothing too extraordinary, but after what happened with Lester, it felt off.

He was busy with his new girlfriend; I knew as much, but we at least usually talked. How should I take the radio silence that I was getting from him? It was awkward and I just wanted things to get back to normal. We made a mistake falling asleep together, but he was holding it against me more than he should. I hadn’t done anything, and he should have believed me.

Seeing Beatrice at work was not as helpful as seeing her outside of work. There was a lot that couldn’t be said here. We did talk for a moment, but it was stiff. She apologized for the way her brother had acted, but there was really no need for that. He was my best friend; I knew how he was, and I wasn't near as offended as she thought I would be.

“I just can't believe that he said those things to you. I tried to tell him that he was way off, but he wouldn't listen to me. He is convinced that there is something going on and if there isn't anything going on, you want there to be.”

This was the time when I was supposed to make things right and say that what my best friend was thinking was completely off. He didn't know what he was talking about, something of that nature, but it would have been a lie.

“Your brother knows me better than anybody else.”

“What do you mean by that?”

I just kind of shrugged. “Just because I said no to you all those years ago, doesn't mean that I haven't been interested in you. Your brother is right, I've wanted you for a while. I've never said anything because I knew how he would react, just like you did. You and I know that we didn't do anything, but it isn't from lack of wanting to. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. I have thought about you for a long time, Beatrice, so your brother is right. We didn’t do anything, but I sure the hell want to.”

We were standing in the break room, and this was not the time or the place to be having this conversation, but I kept wondering if this was the last chance I would have with her. I was starting to feel desperate; her silence hadn’t helped that feeling.

She looked around warily, checking to see if anyone could hear us. I knew that I shouldn’t be talking about such things right now, right here, but I couldn’t help it. She’d been putting me off for so long, too long.

“Are you trying to make things more complicated?” Beatrice asked.

I should have told her that I wasn't sure. If I was honest though, maybe I did want more complications, if that was what I had to do to get what I wanted. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to that. For a moment I wanted to ask her if she didn't think that it was a complication that I myself wanted to avoid as well. I just knew that I couldn't.

“I'm not trying to make things complicated. I'm just trying to be honest with you. Don't get mad at Lester. He knows exactly what he's talking about, even if I can't be as truthful as he is.”

“I don't know what to say to that, Jeff. Lester is not happy with us though. I mean he is really upset. He made me promise that I wasn't lying, and we had never been together.”

“You aren't lying about that. We haven't been together.” Beatrice reminded me.

“No, I know, you're right. It's just we kissed.” Even if it felt like more to me than it did to her. It was a ‘moment’ for me. Her, not so much.

“I told you that the kiss was not that big of a deal.” I didn't want to say it like that, because I felt like I was lessening what had happened between us and that certainly wasn't my intention, because it had been magical and may have very well set it all off. With the kiss, not enough. I didn't know if anything would ever be enough.

“You didn't tell him about it, did you?”

“No, the last thing I want is the two of you fighting because we kissed. It was just something that happened, and it doesn't have to happen again. It doesn't have to be this complicated.”

I sighed. “So, you really want to pretend like it didn't happen?”

She was about to answer me, but somebody was coming into the break room. I wanted to tell them to piss off because I wanted the answer, but instead, I got a mischievous grin. “Maybe we should talk about this later.”

I agreed because I didn't have a choice. Beatrice was walking away, and Dennis was making coffee. I didn't know what he was doing, but he’d ruined the moment for me. I had missed probably the most important answer to a question I was ever going to ask. Now I had no idea where I stood and that was not at all where I wanted to be.

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